by Cat Mayhugh and Cody Weathers
Copyright 1999, all rights reserved
Supreme Tiny Guy (STG)
Subordinate Tiny Guys 1 & 2
Immobile Cubes of Zarkon5
Rolf, the goalie
TITAN, SATURN'S ABDUCTINGEST MOON
SCENE1: INT. TINY GUY WAR ROOM, DAY. TINY GUYS 1&2 enter and kneel before the SUPREME TINY GUY.
Hail, most exalted leader!
I have glorious news, oh subordinates. Glorious news! The Immobile Cubes of Zarkon5 have challenged us to a political match of Intergalactic Soccer.
But wise and most powerful abductor of thousands, does this not mean war? The Immobile Cubes are an advanced soccer civilization! Are you not worried that they will defeat us as they nearly did in a thrilling game seven of the Pan-Andromeda Games in the last Zurpiad?
On the contrary, I am worried that we may win.
TINY GUYS 1&2:
Calm down --probe yourselves anally if you must. You see, my subordinates, at stake in this match is the Terrible Moon of Sherlock.
But the Terrible Moon of Sherlock is the shittiest moon ever!
Precisely. We've been trying to figure out how to get rid of it for centuries, but even with our gargantuan heads, there seemed to be no way to do so in the efficient and economical manner with which our society has come to be identified. But now, the foolish Cubes believe that they can embarass us and steal our moon. So we will let them.
So will the Planetary Soccer Team lose on purpose?
No, I believe that the return of Zzzzzzzz from neck surgery makes this option too risky --the team is undefeated in Interstellar play this season and may well capture the Crabs of Honor. The match would be too close, and I do not wish to damage their confidence in a later game. No, the answer lies in Galactic Free Agency.
Yes, I have been examining the soccer of one of our fishing worlds, Earth.
But surely their soccer is undeveloped and primitive --our anal probes show as much!
Precisely. Their pitiful lack of scoring --one or two goals per game-- indicates that they surely do not know how to play. We will abduct their "greatest star," Mia Hamm, and thus the cubes shall easily defeat us!
Now go, on to victory!
SCENE 2: EXT. EARTH SOCCER FIELD, DAY. MIA HAMM practices her penalty kick against her favorite goalie, ROLF. MIA beats ROLF long side, then ROLF suddenly and violently DISINTEGRATES! Just as suddenly, TINY GUYS 1&2 APPEAR!
OK, you will come this way.
Who the fuck are you?! Hey! Get that away from my ass!
MIA starts pushing the gargantuan LOLLIPOP HEADS of the TINY GUYS around with athletic ease.
Look! I can just push your head around! It's easy!
Ja, very hillarious. We'll see who's funny when we get you back to the ship!
SCENE 3: TITANBOWL, DAY --the BIG MATCH. MIA HAMM and the TINY GUYS face off against the infamous IMMOBILE CUBES OF ZARKON5.
CONTINUOUS DOLLY SHOT: The whistle blows and MIA dribbles down the entire length of the field, through a slalom of Immobile Cubes. She dekes, shoots past the IMMOBILE GOALIE, and scores.
TINY GUY2 has the ball pinned helplessly against an IMMOBILE DEFENSEMAN. TINY GUY2 continues to kick the ball again and again right back against the CUBE. Here she comes! MIA effortlessly kicks the ball free, dribbles, and SCORES.
JUMP-CUT SEQUENCE: Ball into net again and again.
SPACE ANNOUNCER(again and again):
OBLIGATORY PELE-STYLE KICK knocks IMMOBILE GOALIE cleanly into the goal, followed shortly by the BALL.
The TINY GUYS run up, waving their arms FRANTICALLY.
TINY GUY 1&2:
Shtop shcoring! Shtop Shcoring!
TINY GUY1 motions for the ball. MIA passes it to him, but he TURNS AROUND! TINY GUY2 nods his head in understanding and VACATES the TINY GUY GOAL! TINY GUY1 shoots and.... MIA HAMM sprints in and makes the SAVE! She punts the ball downfield, where it bounces once, twice, three times and into the opponent goal.
TINY GUY1 smacks his head against the goalpost in SPACE ANGUISH.
CUT TO the IMMOBILE SPECTATORS.
FINAL SCORE ABDUCTORS: 55, IMMOBILE CUBES: 0.
MIA HAMM jumps up and down, WHOOPING and CARRYING ON in EARTH CELEBRATION.
SCENE 4: INTERIOR, TINY GUY WAR ROOM, DAY. MIA HAMM is brought before the SUPREME TINY GUY.
As punishment for your savage and juvenile display of sportsmanship, you will be banished to the very moon which you failed to forfeit --the Terrible Moon of Sherlock! Sex slaves will fatten you with the grapes and the abundant chocolates of the milky vines. How you will scream in the tortuous void of character-building slave labor of any kind! How the responsibility of being sovereign of the entire soft heathery planet will destroy your sense of self-worth! The regular and innovative lovemaking will sap you of your strength! The majestic scenery and local culture will deaden your senses! You will pay dearly for your reckless sabotage, Mia Hamm --dearly!