"What Is The Problem With Jimbo Jambo?" the debut episode of NBC's new fall Ensemble Cast Thrillogy hour-long drama: COTTON

Setting: Eli Whitney Museum & Paramedic Law Firm

Characters:

Jimbo Jambo

Mr. Pantalones

Mr. BoDeJangles

Emma, Medicine Woman

President Boris Yeltsin

Gringor Stynx (guest star cameo!)

David Bowie

Any other necessary characters

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RULES: True to "Flame Cow" style contests, each contestant will write one random scene from SOMEWHERE within the hour-long show without any knowledge of how the other scenes are progressing. You may not write a beginning or an ending scene. There are no other restrictions, nor will any further direction as to the set-up, relationships, etc. be given. As the most recent winner, I will write the ending --independently of having seen any of your scenes. After all of the entries have been collected, I'll assemble them into an order, then we'll vote on a best scene, the author of which will --as punishment-- script a short beginning scene to tie it all together.

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GARY'S WINNER'S PUNISHMENT-- PROLOGUE AND SCENE I

Thanks for the votes, everybody. And, as punishment, I deliver the first scene. I agonized over this and wondered if this is what George Lucas went through when he wrote episode 1. For better or worse, this how it all started.

WHAT IS THE PROBLEM WITH MR. JIMBO JAMBO?

Dramatis Personae: (Original characters)

Jimbo Jambo, our hero

Mr. Pantolones, double crossing legwear and Master of Disguise Emma, Medicine Woman

Mr. Bodejangles, an enigmatic player behind the scenes President Boris Yeltsin, The Phantom Menace

Gringor Stynx, Rock hero from Krvplkkstn David Bowie, Right Hand Man

Also: (Additional characters)

Eli Whitney

El Chupacabra, the Mexican Goat Sucker

Mr. Diego deJangles, Eli Whitney s assistant

Spot, the Stuffed, Propped, and deceased German Shepard The Radioactive Cotton Gin

Drew Barrymore

Cookie, A cheap carnival elephant

Sister Roberta, Guardian of the innocent Parochial girls

Tour guide

Child

Boris Yeltsin s Baby

NOTE: Plagarized sentences from other players were used for the purposes of continuity. And because you guys write funny stuff.

PROLOGUE:

Savannah Georgia, 1811

Eli Whitney s Milling Machine factory. Close up on Eli Whitney, a pudgy face besmirked. He is standing over the original prototype cotton gin. Next to him is his assistant, Diego.

ELI:

This invention has changed the South. It has made slavery profitable again.

DIEGO:

Si! Viva the exploitation of the worker!

 

ELI:

But the bastards nearly ruined me financially. 10 years of court battle and I came out nearly penniless.

DIEGO:

But you are one rich bastard, senor.

ELI:

Yes! Thanks to my metal milling machine! Now it only takes 4 years to make 10,000 rifles!

DIEGO:

Viva production!

ELI:

Yes. And now it is payback time. The Southern states who pirated my invention and sued me repeatedly will all have hell to pay.

DIEGO:

Viva hell to pay!

ELI:

Now, with this simple ceremony, I will curse this cotton gin forever, and all those who use it!

DIEGO:

But my wife uses it to masturbate!

ELI:

Silence, feeble assistant!

Eli closes his eyes and mutters some incantations while placing his hands on the machine.

ELI:

Diego, Throw in some hemlock, blair witch hazel, frogs wart, and skunk cabbage.

DIEGO:

Si, senor.

ELI:

Careful. You got some on my pants.

DIEGO:

Sorry, senor.

ELI:

Now stick your hand in the machine.

DIEGO:

Okay, boss. I shake hands with machine.

ELI:

Now die, feeble assistant!!

Eli starts grinding mechanism in Cotton Gin. Diego s arm is mangled.

DIEGO:

(screaming in agony) But Boss! Now I ll never be able to help you with your soylent green project!

ELI:

You are Diego. Soylent green is made from PEOPLE!! PEOPLE!!!

DIEGO:

Oh, cruel, cruel internship! (dies)

ELI:

With the help of the Government, I will destroy the South. And this evil and magically cursed cotton gin will be the centerpiece of a Museum and Paramedic Law firm.

MR. PANTOLONES:

(Speaking through Eli s fly)

I AM BORN! I AM ALIVE!!

ELI:

My pants! They re alive!! Damn Diego! Damn him and his assistant ways!

MR. PANTOLONES:

You can call me Mr. Pantalones, and I will avenge my maker!!

STRANGLES ELI S GROIN AREA

No! (drops to the floor) I was so .close

Eli Dies.

Mr. Pantolones morphs into human form, a dashing young playboy called Peter.

Peter Pantalones. Peter Smirks. Behind him, the cotton gin glows a

radioactive red.

END PROLOGUE

 

 

SCENE 1

It is 1999. Close up on Mr. BodeJangles, Great grandson to Diego DeJangles.

Mr. BoDeJangles has inherited Eli Whitney s Museum and estate, thanks to

Mr. Pantalones.

Mr. BoDeJangles is riding on Cookie, a cheap carnival elephant at his wealthy estate.

MR. BODEJANGLES:

Well, cookie. Tonight, you and me will go hunting for young, nubile, female celebrities. But first, we should go check in on the museum.

Mr. BD s two-way radio crackles on.

EMMA:

Mr. BoDeJangles! It s Gringor! He s wounded badly!! I also suspect he is a traitor! Jimbo pulled some stunt at the bench

MR. BD:

Hold on Emma! COOKIE!! Take me to the Paramadic Law firm Ambulance!!

CUT TO:

Emma. She is trying to keep Gringor alive. She searches through her medicine bag. Mr. Pantalones is with her, in the form of Peter.

EMMA:

Damn, it Jimbo. I can t believe he pulled that stunt. And then he just ran off to go dancing with David Bowie!

MR. PANTALONES:

Have I told you about my special shoes?

EMMA:

No time!! The only thing that can stabilize Gringor is my birth control medication!

MR. PANTALONES:

But you need to take that twice a day! (Reading birth control bottle)

Missing a dosage can cause temporary amnesia, genital mutilating fits,

horniness, attacks from the Chupacabra, spontaneous resurrection and melting.

EMMA:

I ve got to take that chance! (Gives Gringor medication) This should hold him for three days, at which time he will spontaneously bleed profusely. Oh, God, I have to have Jimbo right now. Take care of Gringor! I m going to go find Jimbo!

MR. PANTALONES:

Wait, Emma!! (she is gone) I love you. I love you mucho grande..

 

 

CUT TO:

Boris Yeltsin, on secret spyplane above the United States.

RUSSIAN CRONY:

Boris, we have just received transmission from our mole!

BORIS:

Da. Prepare operation Innocent tourist.

RUSSIAN CRONY:

But what if it dosen t work?

BORIS:

Then we will proceed to operation action shoulder role. MWOOO-HA-HA-HA!!!

 

CUT TO:

Jimbo Jambo. Jimbo has his legs spread and David Bowie his lifting his testicles.

DAVID BOWIE:

Yup. That s a micro-disk, allright.

JIMBO JAMBO:

I had to!! I suspect Gringor is a spy so I put the secret blueprints to our cotton gin technology and evidence I ve been gathering against Yeltsin and Gringor on this microdisk. That s also why I pulled that stunt in front of the bench.

DAVID BOWIE:

This is why I am afraid of Americans. Just remember Jimbo, if any of those Russians offer me free vodka, I m gonna at least party with them..

JIMBO:

I suppose I can live with that.

DAVID BOWIE:

Jimbo, if they remove this disk, it will kill you.

JIMBO JAMBO:

Then my ghost will have to carry on my work. Wanna get high?

DAVID BOWIE:

Sure!

JIMBO JAMBO:

I got loads of soylent green canisters here. (Takes one marked Diego and starts huffing it)

DAVID BOWIE:

All right. I ll put on Heroes. (finding Japanese beer) Oh, look, Asahi! Let s Boogie!

CUT TO:

The grounds outside the museum, nighttime. Enter el Chupacabra, sniffing the air.

CHUPACABRA:

I love all my friends at the museum. But one of them smells especially delicious.

CUT TO:

Boris Yeltsins baby, wandering off the spyplane, falling thousands of feet through the air, parachute spontaneously opening, and landing on the roof of the museum. The baby breaks in through the roof using safety pins on his diaper and hold the diaper over his head to break his fall from the ceiling.

He cuddles up to cotton gin and falls asleep.

END SCENE 1

****************

BRIAN'S ENTRY

EXT: ELI WHITNEY MUSEUM ENTRYWAY, TWILIGHT

JIMBO JAMBO AND DAVID BOWIE ARE DANCING TO THE TUNE OF BOWIE'S "HEROES."

JJ: Man, I just love cotton. Don't you? The feel. The smell. The texture. The conspiratorial-ness of it all.

DB: (drunkenly) Well, sure. I'd love some gin though. This cotton drink you've concocted is a little dry. Don't this place have any moonshine? I miss my "Mick Jagger."

JJ: (thoughtfully) Hmm, this is a good song. Did you write it about my favorite hero, Flame Cow?

DB: (furiously) Dammit JJ! All you talk about is Flame Cow this, Flame Cow that. What is your problem?!

JJ: (obliquely) I don't know.

Emma: (enters through a hole in the ground, sexy) Perhaps I can put some salve on this situation.

DB: (further furiously) Interesting alliteration. Well, if it isn't that hottie, Emma, Medicine Woman, traipsing about the mad woods. What is your problem?!

Emma: (defensively) I don't have--

Mr Pantalones: (entering coldly) What. You don't have what. I know you're going to say you don't have any pants. I just know it. I've known it since the day you were born, you little hussie. You run around with your "salve" but all you really want is to just jump up and down on Mr. Jimbo Jambo. I'll tell you what you really, really need. You need a swift kick in the pants, THAT's what you need. (sarcastically) Oh, that's right. You don't have any pants. You know what else I know? I know that my shoes have the goo of love.

DB: (cooly) Hm. Look at the time. (He dissappears.)

JJ: Emma, I'd love some of that salve right about now.

Emma: Piss off. (she does and in so doing, melts.)

Gringor Stynx: (running through frame, muffled): Yoiueoruaoesif! I didn't want to do this! Help! Grreoamfov! I'm being forced into this! Mredadfaddf! (forlornly) I always loved the freedom that weightless once gave me......(pulled out of frame)

JJ & MR. PANTALONES SIT ALONE, CASUALLY GAZING AT THE MUSEUM. THEY SIT FOR AN OBSCENE AMOUNT OF TIME, SAY, THREE DAYS.

TITLE: "THREE DAYS LATER."

JJ: (suddenly) I have a secret love of asparagus.

-CUT TO COMMERCIAL-

****************

JOH3N's ENTRY

What's the Problem with Jimbo Jambo?

In the spirit of ER abbreviations, the screen shows WtPwJJ, in misty green letters.

A peaceful tour group pauses in front of an elaborate device of wood and metal to which the elements have been somewhat unkind.

Tour group Leader (TGL): So you see, it was devices like this which led to

the first real examples of assembly line tactics in industry.

Small Child (SC): When do we get the cotton candy? TGL: No, son...cotton gin...you see, these devices...

Boris Yeltsin: I am thinking with child. Ruler of former menace to American

way of life wants candy. Are you being saying gin is there also?

Suddenly, an ambulance bursts through the door, sending the TGL and SC flying through the air. Nobody notices. Boris Yeltin's security detachment, not having been payed since the days of Kruschev are playing checkers in the back room. Upon hearing the scuffle, they draw their weapons, take aim, and promptly shoot each other in the back.

Boris Yeltsin: I am still in wondering, where is gin?

From the ambulance bursts Emma, medicine woman (E) and Mr. BoDeJangles (MB) pushing a gurney carrying Gringor Stynx, (GS) covered in blood and court summons.

E: What was Jimbo thinking?

MB: All I know is that's not how we 'appraoch the bench' in Kansas

GS: And on that day....that glorious day... (dies)

Yeltsin: Ah, I see the capitalist swine are in bringing me couch, yes?

Yeltin pushes Stynx off of the gurney and sits.

Enter Mr. Pantalones (MP), quite out of breath.

MP: Oy mi gusto, oy es grande! I know Ies supposto chase am-buu-lancia for

clientes, but thees es stupido!

E: Damn....first I was going to yell something about bringing me something stat, then make an objection on the grounds of leading a witness, and then ask for a chem-20 and 200 ccs of epanephrine, but this guy's dead.

MB: That, and he hasn't been sworn in yet.

Yeltsin: I am swearing in the nuclear terror upon your homeland if I get

no gin and candy soon.

MP: Oy thees Jimbo, hees tres stupido, no?

E: Yes, quite stupid.

MP: Loco...Loco grande! Yo quierro new pantalones.

MB: Well, I don't know how the firm is getting out of this one. First Jimbo

goes nuts, then Stynx dies, and now he needs new pants. We've got to think up something fast.

E: We could go back to that Bowie thing.

MB: No, no...we got in trouble for that last time.

MP: Ah, meamo tres intellegente! We try harrasment sexuales!

E: It's worth a try.

E walks over to Boris Yeltsin, takes of her gown/suit and sits on his lap.

Yeltsin: Now this is the western corruption! You are bringing gin too for fun-fun Boris style?

E: Shut up and harass me.

As if strangely prepared for this moment, MB whips out a video camera and begins filming.

MP: Ay currumba! Yarriba, yarriba! Now I am definately needing new

pantalones.

-------------------------------------------

Cut to busy street in New York. David Bowie (DB) and Jimbo Jambo (JJ) are walking down the sidewalk.

JJ: Listen, David, I really appreciate you not bringing this to trial. DB: That's o.k. Jimbo, it was all a misunderatnding. You wouldn't

believe how many times people have tried this. It's actually quite amusing.

JJ: I think it's just because we're a young firm...you know, trying to

make our mark.

DB: You know, it makes me laugh. You guys record a song called 'Pantelones

Played Guitar', sue ME for copywrite infringement, run me over

with an amulance, and then have your nurse....how did you put it...

JJ: Resucitate you on grounds of insanity?

DB: Yes, that's it. You guys are just lucky that this happens all the time. JJ: Look, Dave, I have to get back to court. Somehow the partners thought my

little incident this morning was a bit off-base, so I'm going to try talking to the judge.

DB: Right then. (crosses street, humming Ziggy Stardust, but with a strange

latin undertone)

****************

GARY'S ENTRY

SCENE 3: Breakfast. Kitchen of the Eli Whitney Museum & Paramedic law firm.

10am. Jimbo Jambo is champion and leader of the Museum and Paramedic

firm, which plays vital roles in the country's security. Jimbo Jambo is wearing Mr. Pantolones, a feisty pair of silver sequined pants. Jimbo Jambo is also wearing a blue Chinese smoking jacket. Emma the Eli Whitney curator and medicine woman is wearing a nurses hat and a bikini made of cotton balls. Emma is smoking hot.

JIMBO JAMBO

I feel the wind blowing through my buttocks.

MR. PANTOLONES

(speaking through Mr. Jimbo Jambo's fly) Aye. And , I must express my extreme regret.

JIMBO JAMBO

Silence, feeble leg wear.

EMMA

(Smoking) Jimbo Jambo. We haven't much time. Only you

can save our cotton gin technology from the vile clutches of Boris Yeltsin!!

JIMBO JAMBO

And only I can free you from the horrible confines of

your cotton ball prison! (Lunges for bikini)

MR. PANTALONES

YES! I MUST EXPAND!

EMMA

Yes...Yes..NO! We must save our country before you

plunder the booty heaving inside my patriotic fibers.

JIMBO JAMBO

Very well. Then we must find the mole that has

ratted out the secret location of the Eli Whitney Museum and Paramedic Law firm. Someone told Boris.

EMMA

Perhaps we should alert the president.

JIMBO JAMBO

NO!

EMMA

Why not?

JIMBO JAMBO

Because that's exactly what they'll be expecting.

(enter David Bowie)

DAVID

I'm a like a dead man walking.

EMMA

Thank God, you're here. Yes, we haven't much time.

DAVID

What? I was just humming a ditty I wrote.

EMMA

You're in Charge of Security at the Paramedic Law firm

portion of this museum. What have you found regarding the mole?

MR. JIMBO JAMBO

It has to be somebody in this room.

DAVID

According to my Paramedic Law security expertise, I can

tell you that only one thing can get into a Paramedic Law firm besides the patient.

MR. JIMBO JAMBO

What?

DAVID

His Pants!

MR. PANTALONES:

Now I have you by the balls! (tightens Jimbo Jambos groin

area)

JIMBO JAMBO

(Collapsing to the floor) Oh cruel, cruel friendship!

EMMA

I'll handle this! (Rips off her cotton ball top. JIMBO

JAMBO is aroused)

MR. PANTAOLONES

NO! I AM FORCED TO EXPAND!! (Now speaking in Russian)

Now comrade!!!

enter Boris Yeltin and Gringor Stynx, Crashing through the

kitchen skylight and doing action shoulder rolls, ending in a kneeling position with pistols drawn.

BORIS

Hand over the Cotton gin blueprints, Capitalist Dog. Mother

Russia will now make her own blue - jeans!

DAVID

Oh, bloody hell. (Hurls his Andy Warhol wig with precise

trajectory and hits gringor square in the temple. Gringor is knocked out. Boris shoots the wig.)

EMMA

(jiggling) NO! I love that wig!

MR. PANTALONES

My expansion. Its too much...

JIMBO JAMBO

(ripping off pants) You bastard. You just sold out your

country today.

BORIS

(Pointing pistol at JIMBO JAMBO) Say goodbye to your evil

blue-jean monopoly.

DAVID

Don't worry, Jimbo. If he shoots you its only a short walk

to the Paramedic law firm emergency room. We'll save you and sue him at the same time.

EMMA

NO MORE CARNAGE!! (Rips off bikini bottoms)

JIMBO:

(staring at Emma) Oh, sweet, sweet freedom.

***************

WAYNE'S ENTRY

[fade in from commercial]

[Pan across room with wooden floors, shelves filled with old, intelligent looking law books, and numerous antique furnishings. Cotton balls and soylent green cans are scattered everywhere. The views recognize this as the interior of the Eli Whitney Museum & Paramedic Law Firm. Gradually come to a pair of feet, slowly pan up body. It's Jimbo (JJ), soylent green covering his face and shirt with an empty can in his hand, passed out.

A door opens off camera, pull back to reveal three individuals entering the room. The first two are the paramedics Emma, Medicine Woman (EMW) and Mr. Pantalones. Emma, Medicine Woman is wearing a long blue crushed velvet dress, headband, several crystals hanging around her neck, and a wire frame pyramid as a hat. Mr. Pantalones (MP) wearing only tan pantaloons, knee high socks, checkerboard Vans(TM), and an iridescent necktie.

Following them is El Chupacabra, The Mexican Goat Sucker (EC)].

EMW: "There he is. Goddess be praised it looks like we made it on time."

EC: "Si seniorita. I told you me amigo did not overdose on soylent green. But I do think he is in some sort of shock. You must make him better."

EMW: [slowly kneeling down to JJ and taking his hand] "Well don't worry my little friend, I'm sure the Goddess won't let our dear Jimbo die."

[Meanwhile MP has been setting up several large boxes of medical supplies, including a large crate that contains a radio-telephone]

MP: [into phone] "Rampart, please respond. Rampart, this is Mr. Pantalones. Over."

[Cut to typical hospital emergency room, nurses running around frantically, lots of noise, wounded people on carts, and soylent green cans littered everywhere.

David Bowie (GK), wearing a long and overly tight white lab coat, stethoscope, androgynous makeup, and an amazingly large shimmering wig, responds to the call for help.]

GK: [into phone] "This is the Goblin King Mr. Pantalones, I beg of you to continue. I am here for you, just as all I do, I do all of this for you."

MP: "Rampart, we have a code one point seven three two here. White male, mid twenties, approximately one hundred twenty pounds, radical threes off the scale. He appears to have entered soylent green narcosis."

GK: [into phone] "Soylent green can be cruel. As cruel as I can be. I've taken the child and turned the world upside down. Is this not what you wanted? Is this not what you asked for, my little china doll?"

[Cut back to the Eli Whitney Museum & Paramedic Law Firm]

EMW: "No, don't worry about that. The Goddess tells me that we should treat this unfortunate young man with a mixture of hemlock, blair witch hazel, frogs wort, and skunk cabbage".

MP: [putting down phone] "Emma, Medicine Woman how many times have you tried that particular potion of yours on one of our patients?"

EMW: "Sixty-four..."

MP: "And Emma, Medicine Woman how many patients had it killed outright?"

EMW: "Sixty-four?"

MP: "That's right Emma, Medicine Woman. Do you want to have to explain to his parents that he's dead? I'm not going to take the heat again like I did when you gave that crap to the Russian President Boris Yeltsin."

EMW: "But by the Goddess it will work this time!"

EC: "Senior and Seniorita, something is wrong with me amigo Jimbo."

[In walks Mr. BoDeJangles (MB) who the audience recognizes as the caretaker of the Eli Whitney Museum & Paramedic Law Firm . He is dressed in a nice white suit, white wide brimmed hat, white redwing shoes. In one hand is a can of soylent green, and in the other a leash attached to a taxidermied German Shepherd. The Shepherd is rolling along by the wheels nailed to it's paws.]

MB: "Jumpin' Jesus on a pogo stick! What the hell you people doin' in my museum? And what's that scrawny white boy doing over there in the corner? Oh my God! My cotton! What have you people been doin' to my priceless cotton collection! Kill Spot! Kill! Kill 'em all".

[The dog doesn't move]

MB: "Christ Almighty. I guess there's nothin' left to do but burn the place down and collect the insur'nce money."

[MB leaves as randomly as he appeared]

[Jimbo goes into convulsions]

EC: "Senior and Seniorita, I really think that you should help me amigo now. He is starting to twitch uncontrollably and he is not even watching a Pokemon cartoon."

[EMW takes a crystal from around her neck and starts to chant something Alantiean, or at least what passes for Alantiean now adays].

MP: [into phone] "Rampart, the patient has started to convulse"

GK: "If only the spiders where here. The lovely spiders from Mars..."

[David Bowie is cut off by the sound of riotous applause as the pop teen sensation from the break away Russian republic Krvplkkstn, Gringor Stynx (GS), walks on from stage right.]

MP: "Oh my god, It's Gringor Stynx!"

[The audience goes nuts again. Gringor reaches down and gently presses on Jimbo's stomach causing a rabbit to jump out of Jimbo's mouth. Meanwhile, in the back of the scene the El Chupacabra has killed and eaten Emma, Medicine Woman.]

GS: [looking straight into the camera] "I did it all for you babe."

***************

STEVE'S ENTRY

[We fade from the previous scene to the sight of Jimbo Jambo, awake, panicked, and strapped securely to a gurney, being rushed through the busy hallways of a hospital to the operating room. A handful of nurses and medical attendants are pushing or following the gurney. Emma, Medicine Woman, follows. She seems to be enjoying herself immensely. She might be skipping.]

Jimbo Jambo: (Shouting) Jeez-o-pete! Would somebody please stop this! Doctor! Doctor…Doctor…

Emma: Emma.

JJ: Doctor Emma! You’ve got to…

E: Medicine Woman.

JJ: Yes, I know what you do! Dr. Emma, you’ve got to lis…

E: Doctor Emma, Medicine Woman.

JJ: Fine! Fine then! Doctor Emma, Medicine Woman, you’ve got to listen to me! I don’t need this operation! There’s nothing wrong with me!

E: Oooo! No. (Peering at his chart) Nope-erino!. It definitely says here that it’s time for Mr. Happy to say Bye-dee-bye. Snippity snippity!

JJ: Criminey! Won’t anybody here listen to me?! (Turning to Nurse 1) I do NOT have advanced testicular cancer! I DON’T need my…my

E: (Humming quietly to herself) So long to the skin flute!

JJ: my…my…privates!…cut off! I am fine!

E: (Ignoring him.) Goodbye to the gearshift!

[By now the group has reached the operating room, and the medical team is preparing for surgery.]

JJ: (To Nurse 2) Is she insane? I’m telling you, there’s nothing wrong with me! Emma! Emma, PLEASE!

E: DOCTOR Emma.

JJ: Fine! Doctor Emma! Please…

E: Doctor Emma, Medicine Woman.

JJ: Oooooo! Golly! OK! Doctor Emma, Medicine Woman, would you stop for one second and listen to me!

E: (Stops humming. Looks at Jimbo Jambo as if noticing him for the first time.) Were you saying something?

JJ: Yes! Thank you! If you’ll just listen for ONE second I’m sure we can clear this up. See, I don’t HAVE testicular cancer. Gringor Stynx just wants you to remove my…my…

E: Pogo stick?

JJ: well…

E: Crazy Straw?

JJ: er..

E: Valve Stem?

JJ: Yes! Fine! Whatever you want to call it is fine! But there’s nothing wrong with it! Mr. Stynx just wants you to take if off because he knows that I have a micro-disk of the evidence against him hidden in my left, my left…

E: Jawbreaker?

JJ: ah..

E: Pistachio?

JJ: Whatever! The disk in my left…whatever…can send Stynx and Yeltsin to jail and he knows it! THAT’s why he wants you to cut my…my…

E: Lizard?

JJ: Yes! That’s why he wants you to cut it off! So you can see, there’s really no need…

E: Nurse, could you hand me favorite scalpel for these operations? Yes, the old rusty one in the back there…

JJ: WHAT?! For crying our loud, if you’re going to do this, shouldn’t I at least be unconscious or something? I’m wide awake!

E: (Suddenly, and for the first time, Emma’s smile vanishes. The room is silent as she looks very grimly at Jimbo Jambo and moves so that her face is inches away from his. She spits out her words.) Oh! So the MAN wants anesthesia, does he? Did Susan B. Anthony have anesthesia?

JJ: Excuse me?

E: Did Anita Hill have anesthesia?! Did Mary Tyler Moore have anesthesia?

JJ: Er…

E: Did Gloria Steinem have anesthesia? Did MONICA LEWINSKY have anesthesia? I DON’T THINK SO! AND NEITHER WILL YOU!!!! (After glaring at Jimbo Jambo for another few seconds, she just as suddenly returns to her expansive mood, smiling and humming, and finally beginning to cut at Jimbo Jambo’s groin. The climactic scene in "Carrie" is less bloody.)

JJ: EEAAAAGHHH!

E: Farewell to Big Jim and the Twins!

JJ: AAAAAAAH!

E: Goodbye to the Grease Gun! Oooo! Lookee what fell out!

[She pulls out Jimbo Jambo’s testicles. Unnoticed, a micro-disk of data falls to the operating room floor, where it is washed away by blood. Emma holds one of JJ’s now-removed testicles in each hand. Placing them in front of her eyes, she begins dancing around the operating room.]

Look at me! I’m Mr. Crazy Balls Eyes! Whoo-wee! Whoop-di-dee!

[She eventually tires of her dance, and returns to Jimbo Jambo’s groin and finishes the job. After the last cut is made, the life seems to drain out of her. Lethargically, she begins to pull off her rubber gloves.]

JJ: Ung…

Nurse 1: Doctor Emma, Medicine Woman, what should we do with the…um…with the…

E: Penis?

N1: Quite.

E: Put it in the jar with others.

[Fade to next scene.]

***************

CODY'S ENTRY (CLOSING SCENE)

INT Eli Whitney Museum/Hospice/Law Firm conference room, Night. EMMA and THE GHOST OF JIMBO JAMBO are working late on indignant malpractice briefs.

JJ: Do you want a beer?

E: Do we still have any of that Japanese beer?

JJ: I think so.

E: Can you even drink beer?

JJ: No.

E: Well then don't get me one.

(Pause)

JJ: So, are you still mad at me?

E: Can we not talk about this right now?

JJ: Emma, look at me. (she looks) I'm a ghost, Emma.

E: And whose fault was that?

JJ: Emma, don't waste your life here. You're too good. Do you know something, Emma?

E: What?

JJ: I don't even know what the cotton gin is. I wouldn't know a cotton gin from a bourbon helicopter. I worked here for ten years and I never knew, did you know that?

E: Everybody knew that.

JJ: What?!

E: You don't think your improvised guided tours blew back to us?

JJ: What do you mean, "improvised?"

E: Let me see.... There was the time a kid --little girl maybe five, six years old-- comes back into the gift shop crying. Just bawling and wiping snot everywhere. Do you want to know why she was crying?

JJ: Hit by a car?

E: Close. "Someone" told her that the cotton gin was a special kind of "radioactive super-monster" that turned people's dogs into tomato soup. "Even Welsh Corgis?" she asked. Especially Welsh Corgis, the someone replied. "Are you sure it's Tomato Soup?" she asked. Yes, because tomato soup is made of blood, the someone replied.

JJ: Yes, that was a good one.

E: Of course, that pales in comparison to what I consider your masterpiece.

JJ: The masturbation machine?

E: Yes, those Catholic schoolgirls do seem to bring out the worst in you.

CUT TO FLASHBACK --JIMBO JAMBO leads a group of a dozen 9th grade Catholic Schoolgirls on a tour of the museum. They stop at the velvet rope, and Jimbo looks blankly back at the apparatus.

JJ: OK, so here we are. The cotton gin. It's very important, as you can probably tell from just looking at it.

CG1: Why is it important?

JJ: Well, obviously, this is the cotton gin. The actual "cotton gin" that we're referring to when we speak of the "cotton gin." In history.

CG2: But what's it for?

JJ: Come again?

CG2: What's it for?

SISTER ROBERTA: Girls, as you remember from our lessons, the cotton gin is the first machine used for the previously manual process of....

JJ: Masturbation.

(Gasp!)

SR: Mister Jambo!

CG1: What do you mean?

JJ: Well you know when it's late at night and you get a little tickle in your heart and you just can't stop thinking about Fabio?

CG3: Or in the bathtub!

SR: Clara!

JJ: Yes, or even in the shower. Well, you know how you have to use your hand....

SR: Mister Jambo, I command you to be silent!

CG1: What are you all talking about?

JJ: How old are you?

CG1: Fifteen.

JJ: And you're telling me you never take the cracker out of the box?

SR: MISTER JAMBO! CEASE AND DESIST!

CG1: How does it work?

JJ: Your clitoris?

SR: Girls! To the bus!

CG1: My what?

JJ: Oh, you meant the cotton gin.... You climb inside it and the "pleasure loom" removes your undergarments --hence the "cotton"-- and then these.... You see these beaters?

CG1: What do they do?

SR: Mary Ellen, that's enough!

JJ: Well, they kind of wiggle up and down.... It's kind of technical. Mrs. President Lincoln described it as....

SR: Not another word.

JJ:...."elevating."

CG1: Does it still work?

SR: HELP! SUPERVISOR! EMERGENCY!

JJ: Oh, sure it does. A couple of times a year, those civil war reenact-ors come out here and give it a whirl. I've watched them do it. It's a real pleasure to see history in action.

CUT BACK to present

JJ: And then when I tried to lead them into the mock Whitney farm, that one girl stayed behind and tried to stick her head in the cotton gin.

E: (laughs) Her whole head.

JJ: I don't even know what that has to do with masturbation!

E: (suddenly bittersweet) Jesus, Jimbo, what am I going to do....

JJ: Now come on, Emma.... Don't do that. You'll be fine. I'll always be there.

Enter MR. PANTALONES, carrying his sport coat on his shoulder. JIMBO disappears.

P: Knock, knock. I was headed home, and I just wanted to see how you were doing.

E: All right, I suppose.

P: Do you want to talk about it?

E: Not really.

P: Don't worry about the review board. It's standard policy when a patient dies.

E: Gee whiz, that makes it all OK. Hey, maybe I'll just shut down here and go get a snow cone!

CUT TO dancing YELTSIN BABY with snow cone. Baby is suddenly attacked and eaten by RADIOACTIVE COTTON GIN. CUT BACK.

P: Emma, you did everything you could for him. I'll testify to that.

E: (warning) Peter....

(Long pause)

P: Do you want to talk about us?

E: (smiles) Not really.

P: Later?

E: Oh, Peter, I don't know.... So much has happened. Can't we just....

P: I really think we should talk about it.

E: What?

P: You and me.

E: Look, I don't know if you necessarily want to talk to me right now. I've got the Saint Agnes deposition in the morning, then I'm on ride-along, and plus I've got....(pauses)

P: Jimbo?

E: Look, I just don't think right now is a good time for this.

P: Emma, I think I might be able to fall in love with you.

E: Might be able? Might be able? Can you hear yourself? Do you think that's what I want? Do you think that will make it OK if you might be able to love me?

P: Well I don't know! I don't know what you want because you won't talk to me, Emma. Tell me what you want. Tell me what will make it OK!

E: Nothing can, Peter. It was a mistake.

P: I don't think it was a mistake.

E: Well, then you're just too dumb to know it because it sure was.

P: What do you want from me?!

E: I want my virginity back. I want my patient back. I want yesterday back. I want Jimbo Jambo back.

(pause)

E: Get out.

P: Emma....

E: Just go, Peter. I don't want to talk to you.

CUT TO the riverfront. MR BODEJANGLES and DREW BARRYMORE stroll leisurely down the sidewalk, she with a red lollipop, he with a cheap carnival elephant. DREW skips and swings on lampposts.

DB: I have to tell you, Mr. BoDejangles....

MB: Please, call me Surtpenhatmubad....

(pause)

or alternately, Mr. BoDejangles.

DB: (kisses him on the cheek quickly then darts away, giggling) That's what I have to tell you, Bobo.

MB: (muses) Bobo.... (runs after her)

DB: You know what they say about the size of a man's elephant?

MB: I do, and it's entirely true!

CUT TO Airport Cargo waystation. GRINGOR STYNX and DAVID BOWIE share a bottle of vodka over the flag-draped coffin of BORIS YELTSIN.

DB: Here's to Boris, a true tovarich.

GS: Felled by the insidious machine of capital gain.

DB: Now he pickles slowly beneath this cotton flag.

GS: The irony! Salut!

(They drink)

DB: Well, the kids have killed the man.

GS: You'd better break up the band. (SHOOTS BOWIE in the face). Dosvedanya....

CUT TO Interior Museum Display, night. The Cotton Gin is roped off with yellow crime scene tape. We slowly zoom in until suddenly, two red eyes open and blink on the machine.

(CUT TO TITLE CARD "to be continued....")

FIN