The ammended new contest, due Monday May 17th to Cody:

Write a scene from "Earthing the Yes I Am," a film about the Earth written by aliens with an imperfect mastery of human behavior. Please use as many of the following characters as possible, killing one and resurrecting another in the course of your scene:

Linda

Linda2

Gggg

Mr. Hermo

Ovaria of the Islands

Peter Pumpkineater

David Bowie

***************************

CODY WEATHERS

Earthing the Yes I Am

INTERIOR Earth dwelling, day. LINDA and GGGG prepare a hearty Earth meal.

L: We are sadly out of both bacon and bleu cheese.

G: Fortunately, some bleu cheese remains in my bowel.

L: Fortunate indeed! (grabs CRUEL INSTRUMENT from Earth dishwasher) Please to bend over, Gggg.

G: Happily yes.

(LINDA anally probes GGGG)

L: There is enough bleu cheese for us all!

G: Excellent!

(ENTER MR.HERMO)

H: My erect Earth genitals smell bacon!

(LINDA anally probes MR. HERMO)

L: How about now?

H: Even more so! Your technique is unsurpassed!

L: I am happy and content.

H: However, upon examination, my crude Earth senses indicate that our rations of bacon are insufficient.

G: Bacon is for losers.

L: Indeed.

G: I will fetch some at once.

(Cut to EXTERIOR Earth cemetary, PETER PUMPKINEATER and OVARIA throw live cats from a sack at mourning CLOWNS)

P: I wish a cotton candy. Cotton candy please.

O: I am the owner of many cigars. Will they do?

P: Yes, I love the circus.

O: I love you. I am the circus.

P: Have this pumpkin and be my circus.

O: I weep in strange Earthly joy.

(Enter GGGG)

G: Hello, circus freaks!

P: The circus is well!

O: I am the circus. All is well on Earth.

CLOWN1: HA HA HA HA!

G: I seek bacon for breakfasting; however, bacon is for losers.

P: We have much bacon.

G: Excellent.

(cut to GRAVE OF DAVID BOWIE. PETER, OVARIA, and GGGG dig furiously with Earth shovels and backhoes until DAVID BOWIE is exposed)

D: Ah, Peter Pumpkineater. Thank you once again for living me.

P: The thanks are mine. Can you provide us with bacon?

D: (Converts --with aid of Earth backhoe-- live cat from the infamous sack of live cats into a rasher of bacon) You are truly losers and circus freaks.

O: My loins moisten at your flattery.

D: The moisture is all mine.

(return to Earth dwelling. LINDA fries bacon on the soles of MR HERMO's feet. PETER, OVARIA, and GGGG play "Spin the Anal Probe")

L: How is the bacon, Mr. Hermo?

H: Tough and delicious.

P: Now it is you who must be probed, Ovaria.

(PETER anally probes OVARIA)

O: I ovulate at your masculinity.

P: Prepare for the mating ritual.

G: My heart is broken. (GGGG dies)

L: Drat! Now I must reproduce asexually!

(Enter LINDA2)

L2: I am born.

**********************

ROBERT MCINTOSH

Linda

Gggg

Mr. Hermo - disguised as a penis

Ovaria of the Islands

Peter Pumpkineater

David Bowie - garbed in his Ziggy Stardust

Outside a bustly post office...

Gggg: Come Mr. Hermo, let us release you from my pants.

MH: Mpph...

L: Perhaps we should anticipate the licking of postage.

G: Yes (both close eyes...long pause). Stimulating. Come. Anticipation is for feces.

L: Wonderful feces! (both clasp hands, enraptured).

MH: Mpph!

G: Yes. The swelling grows. Pants are for exposing (drops trousers...entering the post office). Indeed, to the postmaster.

David Bowie (postmaster): Hello.

G: Greetings. We require postage for my package.

DB: What kind of package?

G: Sexual.

L: Large it is not.

MH: Large is quantitative. Quantity is irrelevant.

G: Wetness comes to my ocular tools.

L: Wetness has arrived.

BOTH: Wonderful wetness! (long pause).

L: We require stamps for licking and posting on his package.

DB: That'll be $5.20

(enter OVARIA from somewhere in the line)

O: $5.20? This penis has been sold (detaches MR. HERMO).

MH: Wetness has arrived.

O: Indeed. Wetness brings fertility. (enjoys MR. HERMO).

G: I am without package.

DB: Your circuit's dead.

(enter PETER PUMPKINEATER)

P: Behold, postmaster, my package. Is it not Norwegian?

G: Factual. His package shall bring more monetary units than mine.

DB: Your package is not Norwegian.

P: ERROR! ERROR! (head spins, smokes - PETER dies).

G: You are in error, postmaster. Norwegian it was.

DB: Finnish.

L: Perhaps. Let us depart. To the Isuzu.

G: Silence, over sexed anus. I am without package. Sadness is here. (exeunt)

*********************************

CAT MAYHUGH

(On the steps outside the city and county building of Denver)

Gggg: Finally here. Thank god! How have you been?

Peter Pumpkineater: I have something very important to talk to you about, round. It s about, round the Rossetti case.

G: I wondered about the urgency of your message. Then I ate some ice cream.

PP: Was it good?

G: It was quite delicious. Later, I hope it won t cause me any bowel troubles.

PP: What flavor was it?

G: Chocolate and chicken. Should we catch lunch. (period)

PP: Yes, that would divert suspicion. It s probably best that we dine alone. Was the chicken tender?

G: I hate going behind the back of Linda2 on this one. Yes. The chicken tasted like poached salmon. Elegant and festive, whole poached salmon is tender, moist, and flavorful.

PP: Still, it s not like a gun?

G: No.

PP I ll go flag down the bus.

(Later, at some greasy spoon diner)

PP: Was the ice cream as good as a religious experience?

G: No. No hosanas, but what a bite! Could I see your files?

PP: Right. The Rossetti, Rossetti case. Here. Here s the case (hands Gggg his briefcase)

G: My god. You re right. This changes everything. This is very heavy stuff.

PP: And that s not the worst of it. Look inside. I think you ll find the rumors about Mr. Hermo most invigorating in their decorative and plaintive maldiction against Mr. Hermo.

(Gggg opens the briefcase and finds it stuffed with papers covered in ice cream)

G: Salmon and vanilla?

PP: Yes. Of course. Always.

G: What are we going to tell Linda2?

PP: Fuck Linda2. And then, I say, we go over her head and take this straight to David.

G: I can t be so casually bisexual.. but I suppose I could swing it for such and emergency.

PP: You can see why I had to talk with you right away.

G: Yes.. The future of cold fusion is at stake. How will we, miserable earth monkey types who like to cradle one another s genetalia thoughtfully in each other s mouths, ever be able to deal with larger, more powerful beings, if we don t first get our silly cold fusion invented. Mr. Hermo s gone too far. We might as well chase aliens with a stick that had a nail driven through it.

PP (bewuildered) Have you been watching X-files again?

G: Yes. Though, I made up the part about oral sex.

PP: You better hold yourself together on this. I think you got a little too excited by the ice cream.

(Gggg holds herself together)

(Cut to interior of an office. Linda2 is sitting on the desk holding a gun and looking at herself in the mirror. She looks at her own briefcase which is obviously oozing with butter pecan/veal cutlet ice cream. She looks at the briefcase. Then she looks at the mirror. The briefcase. The mirror. The briefcase. The mirror. She starts sweating.)

L2: These shoes just don t fucking match fucking anything fucking!

(Cut to a poolside. Mr. Hermo is floating in the water in one of those damn floating chairs. Gggg is sitting, obviously just come from her meeting with PP)

MH: Are you sure you can handle him?

G: Of course. I just wish I knew what he meant by showing me that damn ice cream. It.. it s on the tip of my tongue, but, it s just.. so cold. I get a headfreeze. And I don t want to fuck Linda2. I just can t be so casually bisexual.

MH: Then why am I paying you?

G: I don t know. We ve been going around in circles for a while. I just give you information, and you give me money. It s quite perplexing.

MH: You re an informant you idiot. I m using you to pump out the information I need about Linda2. Actually, my involvement with the case has very little to do with colder fusion. You re an idiot if you think I care about ice cream. I ve been selling shoes to Linda2 for over twenty years. I m afraid she s caught on to my little scheme. Of course, you, being an idiot, have not figured any of this out, and so, you ll continue to be a pawn in my little scheme. I need money to continue my lavish lifestyle of sex and drugs.

G: I wish I were so subtle.

MH: Now look. This cold fusion project is very important to me. So, buckle down. It will probably be a threesome. I m sure you can handle it. There s an extra 2 grand in it for you if you can get me some of that veal ice cream. That s the coldest stuff around. Put THAT on the tip of your tongue.

G: You re a fantastic psychiatrist.

MH: Do you need a session?

G: Yes.

(Cut to interior of Mr. Hermo s house. Gggg is sitting on the couch, in a bikini. Mr. Hermo is dressed and is smoking a pipe.)

G: I m not sure when the foot fetish began creeping into our bed. Maybe it was shortly after he lost his legs in the automobile accident.

MH: Never found them, eh?

G: No.

MH: Ach! It s a damn shame!

G: Anyway. After that, everything began to revolve around my feet. Either I was jacking him off using them, or he would suck on them. He had a big thing about biting and kissing my ankles.

MH: I need a beer. I ll be right back.

G: Could you bring me some nylons? I feel a little strange with my feet naked.

(Cut to David Bowie s recording studio. Peter Pumkineater is showing the ice cream to David Bowie.)

DB: Why didn t you go to Linda2 first.

PP: I did. I can t trust Gggg. So I fucked Linda2.

DB: Gave her a good rodgering?

PP: Yes. I stole her shoes as well. And her panties. Would you.. ? Better not.

DB: No, no. I d love to wear them on my head.

PP: (laughing) You re a bastard, David!

DB: I can t help it! I love her square pussy!

PP: Did you get the documents put together? (handing DB Linda2 s panties)

DB: I LOVE LUCY!

PP: Excellent.

(Cut back to Gggg and Mr. Hermo. Ggg is now wearing a bikini and nylons. Mr. Hermo is massaging her feet and biting her ankles.)

G: I would watch Three s company all the time. OK, I ll admit, Chrissy seemed cute, but I never liked Janet. I think I liked Mr. Furley more than the guy who was on the first few years. Was it Mr. Roper?

MH: Get some rope?

G: You really are a fantastic psychiatrist. I especially liked the episode where they all play strip poker, and Larry. You know, know. Larry. Jack s friend. Wasn t it Jack Tripper?

MH: Yes. Though, personally, I find that the sitcoms of the seventies pale in comparison to the brilliance and sheer creativity of the mid-eighties. I mean. Just compare Three s company to Full House.

G: You re right. Listen. Could you bite a little harder?

MH: Of course. Will you fuck Linda2?

G: Yes. Of course. You always get you re way.

MH: That s because you re an idiot and very easy to manipulate. All my degrees in psychology have really paid off. And being rich is really important. I love sex.

(Cut to Lind2 office. She is lying naked under a pile of shoes mixed with ice cream. David Bowie bursts into the office brandishing a stick with a nail in it. He is wearing Linda2 s panties on his head.)

L2: My exterminating angel!

DB: I can t take it anymore. If you knew about Mr. Hermo, why didn t you say anything?

L2: It s fairly simple darling. My, you do look attractive in my panties.

DB: Alright. So, it s simple. So. Explain it!

L2: It s the second quarkonian, darling!

DB: Your shoes match beautifully with this office.

(DB kills Linda2 by smashing the shoes incessantly)

(Outside the city and county building again, Gggg and Peter Pumpkineater are talking again, dressed very smartly.)

G: What do you think about China?

PP: I think diplomatic relations will be strained, but I doubt that the bombing has really effected our relationship with them. They desperately want to be accepted into the World Trade Organization.

G: Undoubtedly.

PP: Did you fuck Linda2?

G: No. She was dead. So I went to Linda.

PP: Kosovo.

G: Like the A-team.

PP: She was sweet and wet, like a swamp.

G: I think you ve been spying on me.

PP: I m a CIA agent.

G: That s very topical.

PP: Yes. Always.

***********************************

JOHN O'MEARA

Intro: Exact duplicate of the law and order intro (complete with the dunhk dunhk sound)

Voiceover (sounds a bit like Darth vader on helium):

In the third planet of the Sirius system, there exist two

sepereate, yet equally important instituitions: The people, who have sex and kill, and the televisions and stereos, which command them to do so. These are their stories.

Sound: dunhk dunhk

Scene: David bowie is dead on the floor, covered in condom wrappers, champagne and blood. Mr. Hermo, dressed entirely in black, but with a daisy sticking straight out of his head, and Gggg (who's testicles are as big as his head) are discussing the scene.

MH: Man, it's like....like....fuck! Bowie's dead man. Boy I fucked alot to his shit in the seventies.

Ggggg: I wanna watch COPS

MH: I mean, woah, I mean, yeah....like that whole Ziggy thing....was it a cartoon that made you not want to do drugs, or was it like, like, uh, Bowie tellin us that drugs are cool, man?

Ggggg: I wanna have unprotected sex

Enter Linda, completely naked, except for 4 blue arrows tattooed to her body pointing to 3 orifices and her breasts with the words 'yummy yum' at their base. Add sultry music in background played by a banjo.

L: Unprotected sex anyone?

Ggggg slobbers and babbles incoherently, and his pants explode. He and L push Bowie's body aside and start fucking like weasals on crack, banjo music gets faster.

Enter Peter Pumkineater, completely oblivious to the fuckfest at his feet.

PP: Has anyone seen my wife?

MH: Heavy man....heavy trip out, triple word score!

PP: I just can't seem to keep her....

Ala Law and order, fade to intro music and credits with grainy pictures of the cast.

Scene:

Linda2 and Ovaria of the Islands are watching Party of Five. Linda2 is dressed in saran wrap, through which one can see the same yum-yum tatoos, his time in red. Ovaria is in a bikini made of oyster shells. The episode is that one that has something to do with lesbians.

Linda2: I don't get it. I contracted cancer on purpose because they had some guy with cancer on it, then I bought a frog, cause of the biscuit....

Ovaria: That's Ally McBeal, fuck-wit.

Linda slaps ovaria on the nose.

L2: Quiet! I'm explaining. I mean I went to all this trouble to bomb chinease embassies, and now I'm supposed to be a lesbian who can flush the toilet with a remote control, and say d'oh alot.

O: Again, Ally Macbeal, with a bit of Simpsons.

L2 slaps Ovaria on the ear

L2: Who are you, tv fuckin guide?

O: Anyway, aren't you paying attention, were lesbians now. C'mon, shuck these oysters.

L2 grabs a paring knife and begins to shuck the oysters, both literally and figuratively, all the while singing the theme song to MASH

Enter Jarbus Forquim, wearing standard Jarbus unitard

J: Liking lesbians....huffing glue...goo!

Jarbus shoots Ovaria and Linda, then begins to play scrabble with himself, mentioning something about vampires coming from space.

L2 and Ovaria enter room, look at their cloned carcases, strangle Jarbus.

L2: Well, 7 of 9, I guess we assimilated that ass. The required ressurection is complete.

O: Excuse me...um, hellooo...oyster time.

Cut to scene of Mr. Hermo and Peter pumkin eater leaving the room housing David Bowie's body, and the weasel-like sex antics of Linda and Gggg. Both are wearing headphones blaring Marilon Manson's latest hit 'Kill each other, but please buy my album first'.

In background you can hear Gggg climax, and (as predicted) explode. Linda is nonetheless not amused as she dies.

PP: You see, the thing is, I just can't keep her. I mean, I had a wife and all.

MH: Bowie was like king man....first Ziggy, then Labrynth...then that thing about the spice and some worms...or was that Sting?

As they walk, the two pass an electronics store. In the window are 20 TV's stacked on top of each other, looping Monica Lewinsky's various interviews, interspliced with ads for crack lite.

MH: I sure could go for some crack lite right now...Double word score using a q, man...heavy.

PP: That's the thing about marriage, you see. It's supposed to be built on trust and love, but when you just can't keep her, I mean, what are you to do...what's anyone to do.

MH walks into electronics store, buys Marilon Manson album, then shoots Peter Pumpkineater in head, mumbling something about "triple letter on a z, fuckin shit man...Bowie was king!"

Cut back to Linda2 and Ovaria. The Oysters have been shucked. They're smoking cigarrettes and watching dateline.

L2: This is great, juuuust great, now I have to be a single mother running from the man I thought was my husband, but was really leading a double life.

Enter a fireman, who walks in and says, "Yeah, I ate the fucking eggs punchy, and they were scrambled too!" Exits.

O: You think that's bad sparky? I had to have septuplets, claim it was an act of God, and then become a muslim extremist who's runing against Bush for the Republican nomination.

Ovaria changes the channel, Linda is not amused. They grab samurai swords. Enter C-3P0, who says "dreadful" and leaves. O and L2 intersplice swordfighting and hot lesbian action, sorta like a combo of Shogun and somehing even Fox can't show. They both yell "there can be only one" and lob each others heads off.

Cut back to the street w/ Mr. Hermo.

MH: Trippy, like Bowie was saying man....ground control to major Tom, eat your protein pill...

Enter Roger Ebert, dressed as Roger Ebert.

RE: Wait a minute, wait a minute....All I was trying to do was point out some of the inconsistencies that filmakers have when portraying alien life...nothing like this lesbian, murderous, egg eating shit.

MH punches Ebert and rounds the corner as the Seinfeld bass theme kicks in. He enters the room where the bodies of the multiple Ovarias, Linda2s and Jarbus lay. He brushes them aside, grabs the remote control, and swiches off the TV.