DRUNKEN DOVE

by Cody Weathers

HE:

So how long do you normally wait?

SHE:

Sometimes all night.

HE:

All night?

SHE:

No, not really. I don't know, until I feel sleepy. 2 or 3? Maybe not that late. Obviously, tonight's a little different. I won't make you wait out here until that late. Maybe an hour more. Did you like dinner?

HE:

Yeah, it was good. I'd never been there before. How'd you find out about that place?

SHE:

I used to work there. The owner and my dad are friends. I was a busser when I was 15.

HE:

Did you ever wait there?

SHE:

No. I wasn't a good bus.

HE:

Hm.

SHE:

I know, how can you fuck it up? It wasn't spectacular. Just slow and prone to distraction. I didn't like it --people's gross food.

HE:

So now you take care not to finish your own food. I see. It's all coming clear, now. Believe it or not, the pieces are all coming together, and I really do see why we've come all the way out here. It's obviously because of "people's gross food."

SHE:

(Gasp) Am I really so transparent?

HE:

Yep.

SHE:

Is that how you knew it was my ad?

HE:

Well, Sarah helped.

SHE:

Is that a fact.

HE:

She did point it out.

SHE:

So how come you didn't ask me before?

HE:

You know, this is just a first date. No need to get technical.....

(Pause)

HE(cont.):

So, are you going to tell me the real reason we're out here? Besides people's gross food, of course.

SHE:

You know, this is just a first date....

HE:

All right. I'm sure you'll tell me (ahem) when the time's right....

SHE:

You're so charming.

HE:

I don't know, it just comes out of me --the cold, the car, the stars, the cold.

SHE:

You already said the cold

HE:

Oh, did I? I didn't notice. Maybe I have frostbite. Maybe my brain is frostbit.

SHE:

So tell me about you and Megan.

HE:

Really, how much longer will we be waiting?

SHE:

AH-HA!

HE:

Now come on. Come on now. We were having such a nice time. A cold time, but a nice time. Nice and cold. If you see what I'm saying, it was nice and yet also cold. Like mayonaise or even ice cream. Or the new flavor ice cream which is mayonaise. I think you can see that I'm right about this.

SHE:

No, no. You're right. It's just a first date.

HE:

Precisely. I mean, heat is very obviously off-limits this evening. And logically, it should follow that that name should also be, in a word, verboten. Which is to say that I am actually shivering quite noticeably right now. Do you need these maps and pictures of your mother or may I light a fire?

SHE:

You'd think that we were in Ice Station Zebra....

HE:

Complaining keeps me warm. You should try it.

SHE:

Well, in that case....

HE:

SHHH! Did you hear that?

SHE:

What?

HE:

That loud CLUNK. I think --and I'm 100% serious here-- that a frozen bird just hit the car.

SHE:

Is that a fact....

HE:

In fact, I'm thinking that maybe we should get out of here before more of them --these deadly plummeting birds-- come. I'm only saying this because --and I wasn't going to spill these beans, I swear I wasn't-- I.... well I like you, and I'd like to see you again. I'd like to have another of these interesting dates, because I really feel like you're a girl I can open up to and --if it's not too wierd-- I'd like for us to go and spend some time together in an iron smelter or glassworks because I think there is nothing that so symbolizes the burgeoning hope of a new relationship quite so well as a kiln. I honestly don't. That's something I feel very strongly about. My mother, in fact, told me that, and I very much respect her opinion.

SHE:

Are you saying you want me to meet your mother?

HE:

I know it may seem sudden, but I happen to know for a fact that she has a furnace in her home if you would like to go.

SHE:

Wow, you know I'm really glad that you're opening up to me like this, but if we go, we won't know if we missed it.

HE:

Ah, yes. And how can I --and the answer, in advance is that there really is NO WAY that I can-- argue with that.

SHE:

Well, I'm glad we've had this little talk then.

(Pause)

HE:

So if you had to estimate --and I'm talking about a very grave situation, here. If you had to estimate for, say, the IRS --and just to cut no corner let me be explicit that I'm talking about the Internal Revenue Service. What I mean to say is that if you had to estimate for tax purposes, how much longer would you say that we'd be waiting here?

SHE:

(sigh) Do you really want to go?

HE:

Oh, Danger Will Robinson.

(Pause)

HE(cont.):

OK, so it's stopped being funny, and I can see that, even though I still have good material such as --if I may spoil it-- the "shared bodily warmth" bit.

SHE:

Well.

(Pause)

HE:

OK, so seriously, with absolute amnesty from sarcasm of any sort, explain this to me. I'm just curious. Interested. Can't get around it. What are we waiting for? What is this? I mean, here we are, out in your car, fifty miles outside of town, on the side of a country road, and --bellyaching aside-- it is cold, and we are looking at the stars and we are waiting for something. I'm hooked. So what is it? You come out here a lot, right? What are you waiting for? What are we waiting for? I swear, I can't go home without knowing.

SHE:

When I was a kid.... Oh, this is so stupid, and it's been built up way too much now.

HE:

No, come on. Come on now. I know it's not going to be Earth-shattering. Are we talking about.... Well I don't know, what is it. It doesn't matter. Just tell me.

SHE:

Oh....

HE:

Look, do you like me?

SHE:

Of course. Well, I didn't mean for that to be.... You know, I like you, but not as a stalker or anything.

HE:

Sure. It's a first date. I know what a first date is. I know what first date like is. I like you, too.

SHE:

It's just that, you know, a lot of my relationships have.... I don't know. I just don't want to get all serious and shit, you know? Maybe we shouldn't talk about this.

HE:

No, no. It's good. Look, I think I know what you mean. I mean, I do like you. I want to see you again, but really, I'm not....

SHE:

What?

HE:

It's like we're driving to New York. You know, it's a long way. We're not going to get there today. We're just getting in the car. And we're not really ready to stop for gas or take a shortcut or go to Mount Rushmore or anything. We're just getting in the car. But you know, we just.... And I hope you understand that I'm winging it, here. What I'm saying is this: we don't need some wierd system. We can drive as slow as you like. We can stop in Des Moines for a while. But we don't need to push the car. You know. We both know how to drive.

SHE:

What? (laughs) What the hell happened with you and Megan?

HE:

She wouldn't turn the heat on, and I stuck her in the trunk.

SHE:

Is that a fact.

HE:

We just. You know, I think really.... Is it OK if I abandon the car metaphor?

SHE:

I'd like that.

HE:

I think I --and I've thought a lot about this, so it's all dire, OK, but not really so bad.... Man!

SHE:

I'm definitely not letting you drive until you sober up.

HE:

That's pretty good. I'm going to have to remember that. Here it is in broad strokes. I sometimes fall in love with what I want instead of what I have. Megan's really nice, and I'm sure we're going to be fine --maybe not friends-- but acquaintances. That's actually not the dumbest sentence I've ever said, by the way. Just a little first date trivia. There are dumber sentences, and.... Anyway. She's great, but suddenly --and this is really my fault, OK, I know that-- suddenly, she wasn't who I thought. You know, she never was. But I couldn't adjust, and also, we were at the point where she.... What I'm saying is that she could tell that I wasn't for real, you know? Totally my fault. We won't be friends.

SHE:

See, I've heard this story.

HE:

Yes, I'm sure you have. Well, Megan is.... Man, suddenly, I'm just not so cold, you know? So what happened is....

SHE:

So you were breaking up with her....

HE:

Yes, and I said all these theories. You know, what I just said, but so much more in circles and this big blind stream of unkind consciousness about "I think I've never been in love with you...."

SHE:

Ouch!

HE:

Yeah, I didn't rehearse it. That was a big mistake. You know, the truth isn't such a big deal. People don't need to know the truth. They just need to know something. I've really got to take that more into account. It's kind of like no one wants to see you pick your nose. You have to, well anyway....

SHE:

So you said too much.

HE:

Yes. Exactly. Now, I didn't know this, but I don't know if it would've made much difference. Megan is really into these --oh what are they called?

SHE:

Women's Self-Defense?

HE:

That's it. You're really being very helpful, here.

SHE:

Thank you.

HE:

No, thank you.

SHE:

You're welcome.

HE:

So, I mean no matter what my dad says, I'm definitely not becoming a rapist now. No, sir. That crap is vicious. I mean, it's like what you would do to a bug. I'm standing there, waving my arms, making an ass out of myself, trying to recover what seemed like a non-confrontational thing to say out of this mess I'd made and SQUISH! I mean she was like a mongoose. It was like Rikki-Tikki-Tavi and I'm grabbing at my face. I mean, she picked my nose! She actually thumbed me up the nostril! And then POW! The love candies.

SHE:

(laughs) Wow.

HE:

Oh, and it didn't stop. I mean, she kept kicking me in the ribs and stomach and head while I'm on the ground.

SHE:

She's so small!

HE:

I know, but she's got a stunt double or something.

SHE:

Then?

HE:

And I've got to tell you right now that I know how this story gets told....

SHE:

You hit her.

HE:

Yes.

SHE:

Hard.

HE:

Hard.

SHE:

I see.

HE:

Now, I've heard how it gets told, too. But right or wrong, there are the facts. I don't think I'm an abuser or anything. I didn't do it to punish her or control her or scare her. I did it to stop her. And maybe it was the wrong thing to do, but there it is.

(pause)

HE(cont.):

So. We're here in the car, and we're waiting for blank.

SHE:

Yes. Here we are. I'm going to tell you a story.

HE:

Is it a story about the starry sky?

SHE:

Well, you're just going to have to wait and see.

HE:

Oh good, because I don't think this evening has featured quite enough waiting.

SHE:

Sh.

HE:

Look, I'm a patient guy, but if you call me Estragon, then I'm getting out of the car and taking my chances with the beaky projectiles.

SHE:

Whatever, Vladimir.

HE:

(lunges for door handle) What?! Locked?!

SHE:

HA-HA-HA-HA!

HE:

(Pounds dashboard) NOOOOOOOOO!!!!

SHE:

'K, ready?

HE:

Shoot.

SHE:

So I lost my virginity poorly. This is what my friends define me as. I'm like a feral child. "Oh, she kills squirrels and masturbates on the backs of kitchen chairs? It's because she was raised by wolves. Wolves don't know what to do with kitchen chairs."

HE:

So how badly? What do you mean by badly?

SHE:

Well, I was raped by wolves.

HE:

What?

SHE:

No, of course not. I mean, the wolves I know.... Well, we've fooled around a little. Played doctor, stuff like that, but no rape.

HE:

No, seriously.

SHE:

Yeah, I know. OK, so here it is. I'm fifteen and I have this huge crush on Mike Baxter at work. He's twenty-one and dreamy. I know, it's a dumb word, but it sums him up. It's like you said about being in love with what you want. Dreamy. So I kind of start flirting around with him and eventually, he asks me if I want to go to this New Year's Eve party. So I told my dad it was a friend from school and had him drop me off at this guy's apartment. I felt totally out of place, you know. I'm wearing my band concert dress, and I walk in and there's all these college kids. Mike wasn't even there yet, you know? These guys had started drinking early and were already pretty well gone. When the girl first answered the door, she thought I had the wrong apartment. I felt so out of place, like those dreams where you're naked at school. I was just sitting there on the edge of the couch, and they're drinking and playing "Wallet and Personality Scavenger Hunt," so all these guys keep coming up and asking if I've ever let a guy come on my face or if I am carrying Benoit balls in my purse. I mean now that I'm older, I think it's obvious that a twenty-one-year-old little boy wrote those questions. They're so porno. Who carries Benoit balls? Who owns Benoit balls? If you did own them, why would you carry them in your purse? Just in case? I just sat there, answering no until eventually they stopped asking me. I felt furious and embarassed, but I was too ashamed to leave, you know? I felt like it was my fault. Like I thought I was so adult and here is what "adult" really meant. Not just because they were older. Because they were, I don't know.... comfortable. I just wanted to crawl off into a closet and rot. Then Mike showed up. I just felt this relief, you know. It was like.... I don't know, it was like everything was going to be OK now that someone I knew was there, you know? So he gets me a beer and then another, then we're talking on the couch, and you know he was just totally devoted to me. And we were drinking and making out, then about 10:30 he says, "let's get out of here," and he swipes a bottle of champagne and takes me back to his apartment, which is just there in the same fucking complex. So we're there, and now it's heating up. We've got the bottle open, and somewhere, my dress comes off, and now he's pouring champagne on me and licking it off, then I'm out of my bra, then I'm totally naked and there's champagne all over. I mean "all over" in the clinical sense. Then he's licking me, and he's got the bottle and he's poking me with it and taking off his pants saying these crude, ugly things --pornographic things-- "Oh, you like that, are you ready for the real thing...." Shit like that, and I'm just trying not to cry, but I'm saying inside "Just do it. Get this done." I just really wanted to lose my virginity. So then his pants are down around his ankles and he's inside me, and BANG. It was over and he drove me home. I didn't want to come in before midnight, so I walked around for half an hour in the cold, then went to bed. So then I quit. I hated working there, and now I didn't want to see Mike, so I quit. Never saw him again. There's no denouement.

(pause)

HE:

I've got to tell you, it does seem a little, I don't know.... unhealthy how much you shrug it off. I mean, a bottle....

SHE:

Hey. I'm not pretending it was good, or normal or anything. It was disgusting. And now, if I think of a twenty-one-year-old guy with a fifteen-year-old girl, it strikes me as creepy. And he strikes me as creepy. Just after a little itty-bitty-titty, I'm sure. I said it, "I lost my virginity poorly." I mean, if I could have it back, then I'd have it back. I wouldn't be impatient. But you know, it's gone. I lost it poorly.

HE:

Yeah, but it's so.... I mean, do you ever think about why you chose him?

SHE:

How do I know? Really, there are no wolves in this story. No rapist wolves raising me in ignorance, and my kitchen chairs are chaste, OK? You're in high school and it's just on your agenda. Get it out of the way, you know? I wasn't looking for my father or any of that crap. I just wanted to pop my cherry. I think I misjudged the urgency and also the difficulty, but so what? In hindsight, it's a big mistake, but it's not a pattern. Do you ever sit and worry that maybe you're really an abuser? That it's really just a big rationalization?

HE:

No. And I see what you're saying, but still....

SHE:

I am not a victim. I am not my past. I'm not worried about what if you hit me. If you hit me I'll leave you. You are not the undertow. So if you want to see me again, then let's go out.

HE:

Start the car. (kisses her)

SHE:

What took you so long?