From Joh3n O'Meara: The call has gone out, a challenge issued. Far be it from me to walk away (vampires from space being a notable exception). And so, I offer the following:

I've noticed recently that the big networks have had quite a few 'large' productions which tend to take either great liberties with historical events, or are just plain implausable. In

this spirit I offer the following challenge:

Compose the climactic ending to the following NBC/ABC/CBS mega- story: "Atomic Arc". Cast of characters:

Noah [N]

Joan of Arc [JA]

Monkeys on Arc [M#]

Jar Jar (thrown in for Star Wars Hype. MUST die during

story) [JJ]

CLEOPATRA [C]

John Spimsockets (Divorced railroad engineer who must

save the world from the atomic Arc) [JS]

National Security advisor Brent Sukonthys. [BS]

Anyone else you need.

Given that it's 'Atomic Arc', you MAY choose Arc to mean that it's Joan that's atomic, and must be "diffused". If you do so, however, Noah's arc must be involved.

Ground rules: Jar Jar must die. Remember, this is just the climactic end, so you can feel free to make references to parts of the story which have already happened. As always, sex and violence encouraged, so 'climactic' may also be re-evaluated. Don't forget the monkeys.

Have at it, return by June 1. Winner gets a ham sandwich prepared by me. (winner decided by vote)

*****************************

CAT'S ENTRY

And Now, the thrilling conclusion of "Atomic Arc", brought to you by the letters CM:

(The arc is tossing about in water, the sky is dark and abounds with thunder and cloud-to-cloud lightning. Quick cut to the bow of the arc. There, Noah and Jar Jar contemplate their future, somewhat frightened. Suddenly a small beep is heard over the intercom).

N: What is it Brent?

BS: She can t take it anymore. The dilithium crystals are runnin out, captain.

N: How much.. time, do we have?

BS: I d say, two, maybe three hours. Then we ll be plum stuck in a rut.

JJ:I have been scared shitless too much lately.

N: (looking at Jar Jar) Please? (back to Brent) Isn t there anything we can do?

BS: Well.. I suppose we could recrystallize the matrix of the crystals if we god, god, god, god.

N: If we.. what? That didn t quite get through.

BS: If he had a clear source of ultra high energy protons and god god.

N: (stroking his long, white beard) Yes, I see. What s the nearest source of god god?

BS: Fucked if I know!

N: Blasphemer!

JJ: Beat him out of recognizable shape!

BS: You might want to ask Cleopatra.

(large, Dum, Dum Dum)

N: Yes.. I suppose so.. (turns away from the intercom) Jar Jar, go get Cleo.

JJ: No way, boss!

N: What? What?

JJ: A normal person wouldn t steal pituitaries.

N: Look. I can t go get her. I ve got to steer the ship (quick cut to the unattended wheel whirling back and forth haphazardly. Quick shot on Jar Jar who looks aside suspiciously).

JJ: Cleo scares me. Why not get John to go?

N: Because John is a wimp.

JJ: Beat him out of recognizable shape.

N: I ll beat you..out of recognizable shape! (raising his fists)

JJ: (cowering) I have been scared shitless too much lately. You daring, lousy guy.

(JJ exits down into the bowels of the arc and walks down twenty or thirty long halls filled with animal stalls, passing by every variety of animal. He stops when he sees a pair of unicorns.)

JJ: Hey, I thought we didn t get you! ( he opens the stall just

momentarily for some unknown reason) Jar Jar love the unicorns. (At the oppurtunity for freedom, the unicorns knock Jar Jar over and gallop off through the halls. Jar Jar picks himself up and yells). Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected!

(JJ walks through more hall until coming to a set of doors, obvious the lavatories of the ship never shown on ANY Star Trek vessel. They are clearly marked with male and female signs. He raises his hand to knock of the woman s restroom, but pauses. He takes out a pink ribbon and starts to write his name on it, but stops.)

JJ: No, No That s Saint Elisabeth.

(JJ then takes out a long blue ribbon and writes "Help ME!" on the ribon. He then takes the ribbon, rolls it up, and places it in a satchet with chamomile, an unpeeled clove of garlic, powdered sandalwood, and the dreied petals of a red rose. The he mutters):

JJ: Courageous Saint Joan, come to my aid, I feel impotent, protect me now!

Send the danger away,

Lady give me strength, I feel you present as my protector.

(Joan of arc, surrounded by a blue nimbus, appears floating before Jar Jar)

Joan: Sorry Jar Jar Jarbus. You re fucked! (disappears)

JJ: Dagnabit!

(Jar Jar puts on his best commanding face and raps the door intently) Cleo!

Cleo! You come out right now! I ve got a phaser! I ll fire aimlessly if

you don t come out!

(Jar Jar continues knocking for four to five minutes)

JJ: Cleo! Cleo! Take my advice, or I ll spank you without pants!

(Finally, Cleo quickly opens the door and using a rather large scythe blade, rips Jar Jar in half from his lower torso to his neck. Jar Jar s intestines fall helplessly into her hands.)

Cleo: (looking at the intestines) It s time for you to meet your monkey! (scoops them up)

JJ: How can you use my intestines as a gift?

(Cleo retreats behind the door with Jar Jar s intestines.)

JJ: I m damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

(The last shot is of Noah screaming towards the heavens.)

N: Why does God need a boat? Why does God need a boat?

(The Arc explodes in a Death Star like way, anhilating the planet along with it. There is a quick fade to a small lecture being given by John Spimsockets. He has just finished his long narrative).

SPIM: And so, my fellow amateur metaphysicists, my theory, as I ve clearly substantiated relying upon the theory of multiple quantum universes, would be spectacular. In an alternate universe, not only would catholicism predate the monotheism of judaism, but, more importantly, we see the IMPORTANT role that the GSW1 galaxy the galaxy of Star Wars MIGHT had had upon our planet s dismally slow evolution.

In fact, so clear is the threat that one Jar Jar Binks poses to the existence of our own world..America, Star Trek,..life as we know it that we must fight the other quantum universe with the best weapon we have in such instances.. by wishing it away. WISHING IT AWAY! My calculations show that I need only ONE other individual to believe, just for 3.39 seconds, and we would be saved by this phantom arc.. this atomic arc. DO I HAVE A BELIEVER?

*****************************

CODY'S ENTRY

ATOMIC ARK

An NBC Movie Event

Starring:

Sophie Marceau (Bravehaeart) as Joan of Arc [JA]

Edward Burns (The Brothers McMullen, Saving Pvt Ryan) as John Spimsockets [JS]

Teri Hatcher as Cleopatra [C]

Jon Voight as Noah [N]

Michael J Fox as National Security Advisor Brent Sukonthys [BS]

John Lithgow as The President of the United States [P]

011010111001111001 as Jar-Jar [JJ]

and now, the thrilling conclusion of Atomic Ark!

INTERIOR, Oval Office, day. National security advisor BRENT SUKONTHYS [BS] briefs THE PRESIDENT [P].

P: So you're saying it's bad.

BS: Well, yes, of course it's bad. I thought you knew that much already.

P: No, see now that's assuming.

(Pause)

BS: Sir, would it be "assuming" if I thought that you paid attention to the specifics of our disaster plan?

P: Precisely.

BS: And the diagrams?

P: What's a diagram?

CUT TO Space, EARTH and the MOON visible in the distance. In the foreground, the SECRET PLANET drifts into frame. As it continues to drift, obscuring the Earth, we see the ATOMIC ARK in orbit around it.

CUT TO INTERIOR ATOMIC ARK, on the Bridge JAR JAR [JJ] pilots the ark as NOAH [N] stands behind him, arms crossed. CLEOPATRA [C] lounges in her space bikini, attended by several MONKEYS [M#], bearing champagne, grapes, chocolates, and ham sandwiches.

JJ: Meesa assin hurtin scritchy itchy scratch bobbit!

N: Just steer the ark, you half-wit.

JJ: Meesa no halfenwit, meesa warrior!

N: Ah yes, warrior. I forgot that you were so fierce. Let's see, when was it that I forgot? Cleopatra? Do you remember....

C: The fuzzy ducklings.

N: Yes, that was it. It seems like somehow I forgot that you, Jar-jar, were such a fierce warrior when you were cornered by the little duckies. Maybe all of the screaming for help and the odor of fresh urine induced a sort of temporary amnesia. But it's passed. I remember now.

JJ: Theysa no widdow duckies. Theysa spacy ducky!

MONKEY1: HA! HA! HA! HA!

(JAR JAR screams then looks down at his chair)

C: He's done it again.

JJ: Meesa needsum towlies.

N: No, you just sit there and keep the helm steady.

C: His wretched stench spoils my languid afternoon.

N: No. Maybe this way he'll learn.

(pause)

JJ: Meesa thinkum duckies sneakin up on meesa once more timen.

N: Stop it. Steer the ark. Not much further now.

CUT TO TRAIN TRACKS in NEW MEXICO FOOTHILLS, day. Heat shimmers off the landscape and insects sing . A creaking sound grows louder, and a railway HANDCART (the see-saw-driven manual train) enters the frame, propelled by the unflagging efforts of JOAN OF ARC [JA] (in plate mail) and JOHN SPIMSOCKETS [JS].

JS: I need a rest.

JA: We must continue.

JS: Aren't you hot in that thing?

JA: I do not think of zese things now. Keep pumping.

JS: Maybe we could stop for just a minute, and you could take it off.

JA: Thank you, no, John Spimsockets.

JS: It's got to be five hundred degrees in there.

JA: OK, yes, Inspector, you have cracked ze case? You're letting up. Not to let up.

JS: Maybe just the breastplate.

JA: I will not.

JS: Come on.

JA: I see your plan. I see zis look at me.

JS: Moi?

JA: Oui, so cut it out, cow-boy.

JS: I'm a railway engineer --I'm just admiring the blacksmithy.

JA: Blacksmithy, my ass you admire.

JS: I'd like to point out that you're visible from space in that shiny getup. You're jeopardizing our entire plan.

JA: Faster!

JS: The.... glare.... makes.... me.... sleepy....

JA: OK, fine, yes. When we get to ze train, I show you my ass.

JS: Really?

JA: Yes, it is an ass which must be seen to believe, non? I am having in my possession ze greatest ass in ze whole of France. You shall see it and probably you must faint, knowing that your whole life you have been fucking zese drab American ex-wives with their unsplendid asses when voila this, this marvelous ass was out there waiting to be viewed by you. Oh, you shall see it, but you must pump the trolley faster. And I tell you this because I am your friend, and I have come to like you, John Spimsockets of Cleveland Ohio: if we are succeeding in saving the entire planet from the deadly Ark, I show you my tits, as well. Oh-ho! You will be rushed to l'hopitale, non? Your poor petit membre is kaboom with the swiftness and girth of l'erection I give to you. Faster with the trolley, non?

JS: Now you're talking!

PAN UP to see the daytime full moon and, just to the left of it, about one-tenth the apparent size of the moon, the similar shadowy SECRET PLANET, now close enough to be seen. PAN DOWN to the WHITE HOUSE.

CUT TO interior Oval Office, day. BRENT SUKONTHYS and THE PRESIDENT examine an easel with a large cryptic diagram.

BS: So, looking at the decision flow, we see that the best plan, starting with the end in mind is to proactively select 10,000 survivors --the greatest minds of the country-- and ship them immediately to giant underground caves....

P: Two questions.

BS: Yes.

P: First, will Bob Saget be among the survivor group?

BS: Bob Saget?

P: The man's a genius. Have you ever watched his home video show? Oh, there was this one with a dog that could talk just like Bob Saget. He said, "Mommy, the bird did it!" It was amazing.

BS: Well sir, if he's as smart as you say, I'm sure the Disaster Survivor Selction Committee will select him without hesitation.

P: Good. Second question.

BS: Yes?

P: How many people will be killed by the "decision flow," and is there any way we could divert it into the ocean?

BS: Excuse me?

P: The decision flow. Couldn't we divert it into the ocean or Canada?

BS: Sir, the "decision flow" just refers to how to read this diagram.

P: Oh. I thought it was lava.

CUT TO interior, ATOMIC ARK, JAR JAR, NOAH, and CLEOPATRA in their familiar positions.

(Cleopatra brushes a monkey aside)

C: I grow weary of these hideous monkeys and their sticky fingers.

N: Maybe you could get ready.

C: Perhaps I hunger for something beyond mere ham sandwiches.

N: You could eat the half-wit....

C: Do you not find me pleasant, Noah? Do not my scented breasts invite you into my waiting arms?

JJ: Meeso horny!

N: Well, there you have it. The imbecile wants at you. I say you see what he's made of.

C: I'm the queen of the Nile. Why are you here, Noah?

N: I built the ship.

C: And then what? After the deluge? Who will love you?

N: This is not a pleasure cruise. We are Armageddon. Be useful. Feed the animals.

C: There is time, Noah. The ship moves as Ra, ever onward. There is no readiness. There is only knowing that we shall live, and they shall die. There is only that. We shall live, Noah. You must face me tomorrow. I will still be queen of the Nile, but will you live with me or die alone?

CUT TO Interior, OVAL OFFICE. THE PRESIDENT addresses the nation via television cameras. BRENT SUKONTHYS stands behind the cameras, watching the address.

P: My fellow Americans. Today marks the darkest day in our nation's history since the invasion of Kuwait. As some astute amateur astronomers and astrologers have noticed, a giant mysterious planet is rapidly approaching the Earth.

CUT TO Interior UCSD ASTROPHYSICS LAB, a daisy-wheel printer spits out paper as graduate student JOHN O'MEARA [JO] plays network laptop Mechwarrior and talks on the phone.

JO: Yeah, you can't hide forever in your little alcove, Randall. I'm going to find you and shove these thermnucs straight up your rusty iron exhaust valves.

(pause)

JO: He's saying what? That's ridiculous! If there was really a giant "mystery" planet hurtling towards us, our near-Earth astronomy project would've noticed long before this. In fact, I'm just finishing the data analysis for our Keck Observatory run from back in December and....

(pulling paper off the printer)

JO: HOLY SH....

CUT BACK TO OVAL OFFICE

P: But I think it's important to realize, as we brace for death, that life will go on. We will survive. Even as I speak, a Disaster Survivor Selection Committee is choosing 10,000 brave Americans to be flown away to a secret underground cave --the same cave used to film Indiana Jones, I am told. Once the danger has passed, and the corpses of the unchosen litter the wasteland of this green Earth, these 10,000 people --the best and brightest of our society-- will re-emerge from hiding and repopulate the planet. We shall survive! And as one final comfort, my advisors assure me that Mr. Bob Saget will be among those spared, so that the future may have laughter. Be brave and sleep well, my country.

CUT TO Exterior RAILYARD, Night. The Secret Planet looms large on the horizon, as big as the harvest moon. JOHN SPIMSOCKETS and JOAN OF ARC struggle to lift a very large box onto the waiting ATOMIC TRAIN.

JS: Careful!

JA: Oui, je sais!

JS: OK, sorry. OK, let's try to get it up the steps.

(they proceed, JOHN in front, JOAN pushing from the bottom)

JS: It's stuck. You've got to angle it!

JA: Merde! I'm making all the work, non?

JS: Just angle it!

JA: What angle?! We cannot fit zis here! Zese doors are for the people!

JS: No, just angle it and we can get it through....

JA: (mocking) "Angle it! Angle it!" Merde, why I show you my ass is crazy!

CUT TO Interior OVAL OFFICE, night. The cameras have been torn down, and THE PRESIDENT and BRENT SUKONTHYS speak.

P: Wait. Hold it right there. The committee didn't select Bob Saget?!

BS: No sir. They did not.

P: (incensed) Well, what am I supposed to tell the American people?! I just got on national television and promised them that Bob Saget would be spared! National television, do you understand?! You've made me look like a fool! It was the cornerstone to the whole speech! Now they have NOTHING!

BS: Sir....

P: Well, who'd they get instead?

BS: Bill Gates, several top scientists....

P: No. Who'd they get to replace Bob Saget?! Is he funny?

BS: I don't think they specifically looked to replace Bob Saget....

P: WHAT?!

BS: I think they may have felt like....

P: I don't care what they FELT like! The future needs laughter....

BS: Sir. Really, listen, I have some bad news.

P: Worse than Bob Saget?!

BS: Well....

P: Well. What is it? Out with it, man. We don't have much time before we have to leave.

BS: That's just it, sir. The committee didn't select you.

P: Let me get this straight. This committee had 10,000 slots to fill and they didn't reserve two little slots for Bob Saget and The President of the United States?

BS: That's correct, sir.

P: Who, praytell will run the country during the repopulation?

BS: Well, they did choose the Vice-President. So I suppose he would do it.

CUT TO scenes of Army Huey helicopters flying low over the water at sunrise, the ISLAND OF SURVIVORS their obvious destination.

CUT TO exterior RAILYARD, in the approaching light of dawn. JOAN and JOHN clamber into the locomotive of the ATOMIC TRAIN.

CUT TO interior LOCOMOTIVE

JS: Are you ready?

JA: Oui, now we go. Allons-y.

JS: Hey, you know, if this doesn't work and all....

JA: Of course it will work. You have built a very good machine. OK?

JS: Sure, but I mean, if we don't make it back....

JA: We have enough fuel. We checked everything, but now we must allons.

JS: Look. Shut up for a minute. I'm just trying to say....

JA: I know.

(Pause)

JA: But unfortunately, you still have to say it.

JS: I love you.

(JOAN leans over and kisses JOHN)

JA: For good luck, non?

JS: I wonder if we would've.... You know if all this hadn't happened?

JA: Non, but if this disastre is not happening, then you are but John Spimsockets who makes designs the train track, and I do not discover about zis hero John Spimsockets who makes his life to save this world. Porquoi? Why does he? Because zis is what he must do, non?

JS: And showed me your ass!

JA: Oui, this as well, my friend. Perhaps we have both seen what we would not have otherwise seen.

JS: (laughs) How deep!

JA: Merde! Just go before I change my heart. (laughs) Merde. Allons-y!

CUT TO Exterior RAILYARD. The ATMOIC TRAIN suddenly shoots into the sky and is a mere speck before we have a chance to blink.

CUT TO Interior ATOMIC ARK

N: Prepare to slow the planet.

JJ: Meesa no memorize training....

N: (sigh) Press the button above the gravitational lens controls labeled "decelerate."

JJ: Meesa thought....

N: Just press the button, testicle-head.

(JAR-JAR presses the button and there is a low groan)

C: The tide is the life and death of us all, as flows the River Nile, floods the River Nile. As the flood comes, so follows the planting in the fertile field.

CUT TO Hurriacane-like footage, the seas are swelling and rising.

CUT BACK TO Interior ATOMIC ARK. Suddenly, ALARMS sound.

(JAR-JAR screams, then dabs at his crotch with a flight manual)

N: What?! We're under attack!

CUT TO Shot of ARK from SPACE. In a flash, the ATOMIC TRAIN bursts into the frame.

CUT BACK TO Interior ATOMIC ARK

N: (Into WWI-style speaking tube) Battle stations!

CUT TO footage of the Ark's animals scrambling out of their pens, to weapons lockers, to exterior laser cannons

CUT BACK TO bridge of the ARK

N: (into speaking tube) Counter-attack!

CUT TO SPACE The ARK fires lasers at the onrushing ATOMIC TRAIN, which weaves and bobs, deflecting a shot off of the front cattle-catcher (the wedge on the front of Old West trains, intended to shove cows away from the wheels, therefore preventing derailment)

CUT TO Interior, LOCOMOTIVE

JA: Get us as close as you can, non?

JS: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

JA: Closer! Voila! Now I use the Space Hammer! Cochons!

CUT TO SPACE. From out of the TRAIN, a very large MALLET springs up and LAUNCHES at the ARK, scoring a DIRECT HIT, but surprisingly, NOTHING HAPPENS!

CUT BACK to the LOCOMOTIVE

JA: Merde! Qu'est-ce-que c'est? I heet heem!

JS: I don't understand it! The devastating gravity of the Space Hammer should've shattered the Ark!

JA: Get closer! Now we must board them!

CUT TO Interior ARK.

N: (into speaking tube) Prepare to repel boarders!

(The Ark shudders, and there is the sound of scraping metal, reverberating through the hull)

CUT TO Interior ARK, a hallway with a BULKHEAD, which is suddenly blown open, allowing JOAN and JOHN to enter, she wielding a two-handed broadsword, he a pump-action shotgun. They are immediately met by an onrushing herd of SPACE ANIMALS, armed with HEAD-MOUNTED LASERS. The animals fire with much fury, but little accuracy. JOAN and JOHN are forced to retreat down a hall, where they encounter more ANIMALS. JOAN cleaves a BIGHORN SHEEP in two and deflects many laser beams, but the ORIGINAL ANIMALS are now joining the fray, and our heroes are SURROUNDED and finally CAPTURED by ELEPHANTS.

CUT TO EARTH, the seas are getting wilder

CUT TO Interior ARK, Bridge. JOAN and JOHN are brought before NOAH, CLEOPATRA, and JAR-JAR by the SPACE ANIMALS.

N: So. You would seek to undue His divine will with your Moon Mallet.

JA: You are crazy. God doesn't want this. You are a murderer.

N: Really? If that's true, then why do I have THIS?

(NOAH pulls back a curtain to reveal THE ARK OF THE COVENANT)

JS: (Gasp!) That belongs in a museum!

JA: Ah, oui, so zis is why ze hammer is failing.

N: Yes, you didn't count on my double Ark. He who carries the Ark of the Covenant before him into battle is invincible. Your cause is doomed. Mine is just.

JA: Snekk!

N: What?

JA: Snekk! Hiss-hiss.

N: Well, never mind what you're saying --it's probably not important.

JS: She said "snake...."

JJ: Meesa where!

(JAR-JAR leaps up onto the console, screaming and clumsily stepping on many important-looking buttons. As urine sprays onto the console, sparks fly up, and the console goes dead. JAR-JAR catches FIRE. The ship lurches and the passengers are thrown off balance)

JJ: Meesa itchy burny owie!!!!

N: You fool!

(JOHN grabs a SPACE MONKEY by the tail and, using him as a club, CLOCKS NOAH in the head. JOAN rushes for her SWORD on the FLOOR, but CLEOPATRA steps in her way. JAR-JAR drops to the floor and rolls, trying to extinguish himself. The console comes back on and begins BLINKING RED WARNINGS)

CUT TO EARTH. Exterior ISLAND OF SURVIVORS. A TIDAL WAVE rolls over the island, flooding the entire Subterranean CAVE.

CUT TO OVAL OFFICE. The President is on the PHONE.

P: What?! A Tsunami! Good thing Bob Saget wasn't down there!

CUT BACK TO Interior ATOMIC ARK. As the ship lurches and groans horribly, SPACE ANIMALS panic and flee, firing randomly and setting many things on fire. CLEOPATRA picks up JOAN'S sword.

C: Prepare to meet Osiris....

CUT TO NOAH and JOHN. JOHN swings the Monkey again, but this time, NOAH blocks it and gives JOHN a karate chop to the side of the neck.

N: Son, you don't know where to begin.

(NOAH kicks JOHN in the ribs, HARD)

BACK TO THE GIRLS. CLEOPATRA swings the sword at JOAN's head. JOAN rolls under the blade and sweeps CLEOPATRA's legs out from under her. JOAN grabs her sword and prepares to kill CLEOPATRA, but she's ALREADY DEAD! JOAN rolls her over, discovering that she had fallen on a cobra.

BACK TO THE BOYS. JOHN is getting the crap kicked out of him by NOAH and is knocked UNCONSCIOUS.

N: Now for you, whore! (NOAH shoots FIREBALLS from his EYES. JOAN deflects one with her sword, but is struck in the arm with the other, forcing her to drop her sword. JOAN drops to the floor and scurries for cover as NOAH continues to shoot FIREBALLS)

N: You can't hide forever in your little alcove, Jean d'Arc. We both know that I've won. But you don't have to die. Join me. repopulate the Earth in the wake of the new flood. Accept the mission.

JA: Never!

N: Think, now. You're cornered, and I've got the Ark, so even if you do fight your way to me, you can't defeat me. Join me.

CUT TO EARTH. Huge waves slam into the coast, sending moored ships hurtling inland.

BACK TO the ARK.

JA: Never!

(JOAN leaps from behind her shelter and rolls for the now extinguished JAR-JAR, weeping on the floor. NOAH fires more fireballs, hitting JOAN with one to the KIDNEY. JOAN screams, but picks up JAR-JAR and uses him as a shield. JAR-JAR is hit several times with fireballs, re-igniting, as JOAN struggles to reach her sword. With tremendous effort, she lifts the sword.)

JJ: Meesa pretty ladies kill me. Pleesies! Kill me!

(JOAN cleaves JAR-JAR straight from the top of his head to his crotch. The two pieces fall neatly apart as NOAH fires two more fireballs. With all of her remaining strength, JOAN lifts her sword and reflects the fireballs driectly back at NOAH, who EXPLODES. TENDRILS OF SPOOKY SMOKE from the ARK OF THE COVENANT extend and consume the flaming pieces of NOAH. Then, the ARK OF THE COVENANT disappears. JOAN falls to her knees and drops her sword.)

JA: Mon Dieu, disez-moi quel'que choses de faire. [subtitles: My Lord, show me what to do.]

JOAN rises and goes to JOHN. He revives groggily.

JA: Wake, John Spimsockets! We must destroy the Ark. We must find the Space Hammer! Vite!

CUT TO LOCOMOTIVE.

JS: Hang on!

JA: Vite! Le Planet Secret is falling!

CUT TO SPACE. The ATOMIC TRAIN speeds away from the ARK.

BACK TO LOCOMOTIVE

JS: There it is!

BACK TO SPACE. The SPACE HAMMER is tumbling away. The ATOMIC TRAIN swoops near it, and a ROBOTIC ARM retrieves the hammer. THE TRAIN makes a broad U-TURN.

BACK TO LOCOMOTIVE.

JA: Closer!

JS: Right.

BACK TO SPACE: The TRAIN launches the SPACE HAMMER one more time, again scoring a DIRECT HIT. The ARK and the SECRET PLANET simultaneously EXPLODE in the most brilliant EXPLOSIONS ever seen on film.

CUT TO EARTH. In the sky, we see a brilliant PULSE OF LIGHT ripple through the atmosphere, then, as our eyes adjust, we see the magnificent NOVA of the exploded planet.

CUT TO RAILYARD, Day. The ATOMIC TRAIN swoops down and lands, damaged, but intact.

CUT TO LOCOMOTIVE. JOAN and JOHN look dazed, exhausted. They just sit there for a minute, staring straight ahead.

JS: (unmoving) Are you OK?

(pause)

JA: (still staring) Oui. Et vous?

JS: (still not moving) Dandy. (pause) Thanks for saving my life.

JA: (Not a muscle) Oui. Pas de problem.

(long pause)

JS: Wanna go fool around and see what happens?

JA: John Spimsockets, now you are at last talking!

THE END

*******************************

ERIC ROREM'S ENTRY

We join the action already in progress. Imagine, if you will, that you've already watched the Sunday night installment of Atomic Ark and you've suffered through the painful emotional complications of the Monday night installment. Here is the final minute of the masterpiece.

A small contingent of monkeys runs quickly through the Pentagon carrying the Ark of the Covenant. Behind them are Noah, Joan of Ark, Cleopatra, and Jar Jar Binks. This historic squad is armed with assault rifles except for Jar Jar who is brandishing a gargantuan strap-on dildo. They look panicked.

Noah: Quickly you fools!!! We must get the Ark to the vortex!!!

Cleopatra: (camera on nipples) You're a slave driver, but that's why I love you.

Suddenly John Spimsockets (played masterfully by Sly Stallone) falls through the ceiling.

John: I AM DEATH!!!

Lasers burst from John's eyes and Joan and Cleopatra are both cut down.

Cleo: (camera on nipples) Joan... Joan... I loved you too.

Joan: Call me Xena...

Cleo and Joan are dead. Jar Jar attacks John with the strap-on while Noah continues toward the vortex with the Ark-toting monkeys.

Jar Jar: Me likey likey Xena!!! Bad man go way way!!! Me kill kill you you with with bouncy bouncy!!!

John rips the strap-on off Jar Jar and rams it down one of Jar Jar's long, tubular eye sockets, into his small pea size brain. Jar Jar dies.

John: I really should go after Noah and the Ark, but instead I think I'll stay here and defile the body of Jar Jar.

John begins defiling the corpse of Jar Jar.

Cut to - Noah and the monkeys and the Ark. They have reached the vortex.

Noah: Monkeys! Arm the Ark!

The monkeys flip open the Ark to reveal an atomic bomb!!! Noah laughs, the monkeys laugh. Suddenly Brent Sukonthys drops through the ceiling.

Brent: Noah!!! You know you don't want to do this. The monkeys don't want to do this. You - AAHHHHH!!!!

Noah stands with a evil grin and a smoking M-16. There is the look of madness in his eyes.

Noah: Monekys! Take the Ark into the vortex!

The monkeys pick up the armed Ark and enter the vortex.

Cut to - a space shot of the Earth. The Earth explodes.

Fin.

**********************************

ROBERT MCINTOSH'S ENTRY

Atomic Arc - final climatic scene

JAR JAR is being rounded up to the atomic arc where the nuclear device is. The entire cast (sans SUKONTHYS and SPIMSOCKETS).

NOAH (carrying ax): Let's see that Johnson again, Jar Jar!

JOAN: Oui, monsieur! Il va etre petit apres le sabre, non?

NOAH: (stops running - turns to JOAN) God your sexy (kisses JOAN passionately). I'm so tired of sleeping with animals. My arc is about 10 inches long and ready to set sail.

JOAN: Je ne te comprends pas, toi.

NOAH: Damn woman! I don't understand what you're saying but I gotta tell you, I wear women's panties and they're riding right up!

(odd pause)

NOAH: (resumes chase of Jar Jar) AGHHHH!!!!!

JOAN: HIAHHHHH!!!!

(cut to the arc)

SUKONTHYS: (on cell phone). Spimsockets are you ready? Noah and Joan are rounding up the freak.

SPIMSOCKETS: (from cell phone). Yeah, the rig's about up and good to go. Are you sure this'll work?

SUKONTHYS: (begin The Dirty Dozen cliché tune) It's the only chance we've got.

(monkeys, of course, are in the background having riotous sex behind Sukonthys).

(cut to chase)

NOAH: AHHH!!!

JOAN: HIAHHH!!!

JAR JAR: De Arc is meesa only's chance. Meesa be safe der.

(Jar Jar enters the Arc)

SUKONTHYS: Now Spimsockets!!!

(http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Shire/7162/SPLAT.GIF)

Sorry, that kind of sucked, but I hope the hyperlink is entertaining, at least. I've been kind of preoccupied http://home.earthlink.net/~rupreckt

*****************************

STEVE VAHL'S ENTRY

Steve Vahl’s Atomic Arc submission:

[The final half hour of a four-night, eight-hour miniseries. Fade in from commercial break to show what your average American would imagine to be a historical rendering of an ancient Egyptian village. Bright sunlight. Crowded streets with vendors shouting at passers-by. Oxen pulling carts. Monkeys everywhere.

The whine of turbines, and a landspeeder rushes through the street, dangerously close to the people and carts. In the speeder are Cleopatra (Terry Farrell), John Spimsockets (Ricky Martin), and Brent Sukonthys (Henry Winkler). In the back seat of the speeder is the Ark of the Covenant, which was revealed on night three of the series to contain a cold-fusion devise. The speeder is closely pursued by Roman centurions in horsedrawn chariots.]

Brent: I hope Noah was able to get that shield down, or this is going to be a real short trip!

[The speeder arrives at its destination, the Babylonian docks. Brent exchanges blaster fire with the centurions while Cleopatra and John get out of the speeder.]

Cleopatra [pushing some monkeys off the Ark]: John! Help me load the Ark onto the Ark!

John: Look! It’s Joan of Arc! And Noah!!!

[Cut to a shot of Joan of Arc (still glowing with radioactivity) and Noah, engaged in a lightsaber duel near the docks.]

Joan (Cher): I am the master now.

[Noah (Jake Lloyd) sees Spimsockets, ceases to defend himself. Is cut down by Joan.]

John: Noooooo!

[Our three heroes successfully fight their way out of the docks and sail away on the Ark. Cut to a scene on the Ark, safely at sea. Cleopatra is tending to the groin wounds John got while retrieving the Ark from its secret chamber, where it had been guarded for ages by hundreds of monkeys. Sexual tension is thick, since we learned in episode one that Cleopatra is John’s ex-wife. He explained to Brent Sukonthys at one point that their marriage hadn’t worked out because, "You can’t have sex constantly. Although we certainly tried."]

John: I can’t believe Noah’s gone!

[Cleopatra looks dumbly at John while massaging his groin.

Cut to shot of Joan of Arc back on shore, looking out to sea.]

Joan: John!

John: Mother?

Cleopatra: What?

John: I must go see Master Jar Jar!

[Commercial break. After a brief message from Depends, we return to see Spimsockets approaching Jar Jar’s hut in the jungle.]

John: Master Jar Jar! Are you here?

Jar Jar [tripping as he clumsily struts from behind a tree]: Wooo! Meesa no massa! Meesa mistakin Gungun! Wingding!

J: Master, it’s me, you can cut the woo-woo crap.

JJ: [now moving gracefully]: Oh. Dreadfully sorry, John. You can never be too certain these days, don’t you think?

J: Master Jar Jar, is Joan of Arc my mother?

JJ: Mmm. Told you did she? Unfortunate this is.

J: Why are you talking backwards now?

JJ: Oh, sorry again. Sometimes I forget which goofy alien syntax I’m supposed to be using.

[All this time, The Force, which binds and connects all living things in the universe, has been flowing through John. And every living thing who has seen Phantom Menace is calling for Jar Jar to die.]

J: Die, Jar Jar! Die!

[Hacks off Jar Jar’s limbs with his lightsaber, a few inches at a time.]

JJ: How wude! (Then, gasping his final breaths) There…is…another…Spimsocket.

[John forces a small grenade down Jar Jar’s snout. Holds JJ’s mouth shut until the grenade goes off. While John is wiping bits of Gungun from his face, Noah appears as a shimmering image.]

J: Noah! What did Master Jar Jar mean?

N: Search your feelings, John.

[John searches his feelings. He doesn’t really like so much what he finds there. So he keeps searching. Sort of hoping that maybe he’ll find something else similar, but just a little different. A little difference could be very important here. He finds some suppressed childhood abuse memories here and there, and that nasty incident involving that champagne bottle, but nothing of any real importance. He reluctantly goes back to the first thing he found.]

J: Cleopatra is my twin sister, isn’t she?

N: That’s right, John. She was hidden from your mother, Joan of Arc, to protect her.

J: But how?…Oh never mind. Hmm. Well then. Yes. Yes indeed. My sister. I see. I sort of wish now we hadn’t… But…Well, there it is. I guess I’ll be vomiting now. [Vomits.]

N: Are you OK, John?

J: Me? Oh yes. Yes I’m fine. Quite fine. Say, there wouldn’t happen to be any Jedi memory suppression techniques you neglected to teach me, are there?

N: You must go help your friends now. They’re in trouble.

[John returns to the Ark, which has struck an iceberg in the sea that formed after 40 days and 40 nights of rain, and is sinking.]

Cleopatra: John! I’m so glad you’re here! Let’s go down to the boiler room and you can have me one last time! Our divorce was a mistake! We can’t deny our passions any longer!

John: [Vomits. Then, realizing that while Cleopatra may be, in a strict technical sense, his twin sister, she is still awfully hot.]: OK.

[After John and Cleopatra’s final steamy (get it?) encounter, the Ark breaks in half as it sinks while the poorer Egyptians, along with two of each and every creature on the earth, are trapped in the lower decks. John drowns. Cleopatra survives. Joan of Arc spins away into space, helplessly out of control in her damaged TIE-fighter.]

**************************

WAYNE'S ENTRY

Atomik Ark

[TV Promo] "'Atomik Ark', a 20 part epic on all networks. You can't escape it. It's even on EPSN-14 and the Cooking Channel. Your only option is to not watch TV, and we know that you aren't going to do that. <insert maniacal laughter>"

Cast -

Noah [N] - Bruce Campbell

Joan of Arc [JA] - Dave Foley (in drag)

John Spimsockets [ALB] - Animatronic Lloyd Bridges Jar Jar Binks [JJ] - Mr.T.

Cleopatra Jones [C] - Tamara Dobson

The Tall Man [TM] - Lawrence Rory Guy (a.k.a. Angus Scrimm) Brent Sukonthys. [BS] - Christopher Walken

The Hindenburg Announcer Guy [HA] - Himself

Monkeys - (cast of "Love Boat: The Next Wave", almost)

Dr. Zaius [ZA] - Robert Urich

Dr. Cornelius [DC] - Phil Morris

Dr. Zira [ZI] - Joan Severance

General Ursus [GU] - Corey Parker

BoBo [B] - Charlton Heston

Story So Far -

[Day 8] The "Atomik Ark" is the worlds first nuclear powered bullet train, able to make the trip from Los Angeles to Hawaii in under 12 parsecs. On this, it's maiden voyage, it's transporting the lost "Ark of the Covenant" which contains, among some worthless broken stone tablets that no one cares about anymore, a stolen exobyte data tape containing Jar-Jar Bink's soul.

Jar-Jar, who was animated a long long time ago, has come from a galaxy far far away in search of his stolen data tape. Until the data on that tape is erased he cannot be killed. Once it's back in his possession, Jar-Jar will be the ultimate power in the universe.

The train is racing out of control through the Austrailian Outback. In close pursuit is a white Ford LTD full of monkeys, a monster truck containing Jar-Jar and Cleopatra Jones, and the Tall Man (who he is and what he wants no one knows).

[Bridge of the "Atomik Ark". Several extras mill around in retro-futuristic silver jumpsuits, examining monitors and writing things down on clip boards while pasture land can be seen speeding by through the windows. Occasionally a cow, caught standing on the rails, is seen flying past the front windshields followed by a sickening thud. Noah is standing at the controls, a large wooden steering wheel, spinning it left and right as the train zooms through the countryside. Joan of Ark and John Spimsockets stand behind him]

[JA] Well, it looks like there's nothing we can do. The train is... <echo>OUT OF CONTROL</echo>.

[N] "Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue!"

[ALB] "Hey, that's my line".

[N] Shut up.

[ALB] "Noah, listen, and you listen close: driving an out of control nuclear powered mag-lift bullet-train train is no different than riding a bicycle, just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes."

[N] "No, you listen. Those monkeys are getting close. We need to do something"

[voice on PA system] "Due to a mix up in the urology car, there will be no apple juice served today."

[ALB] "I know, punch it."

[Noah punches a big red button. Cut to the engine where carbon rods start to pull out of the uranium pile. Cut to the exterior of the train as it zooms off, glowing green smoke billowing out of it's smoke stack. Pull back into Ford LTD Interior. The monkeys are all wearing what looks like cruise ship uniforms, except for BoBo who's wearing nothing but a dog collar and a butt flap.]

[ZA] Dr. Cornelius, we need more power. They're getting away.

[DC] Dammit Zaius, I'm a Doctor not an engineer. Make the human do it!

[B, to Dr. Zira] "Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape! I'm not insane. Soon they'll be breeding us like cattle! You've got to warn everyone and tell them! Soylent green is made of people! You've got to tell them! Soylent green is people!"

[ZI] (Yanking on BoBo's leash) "Of course Soylent Green is people. Why do you think we go to the trouble of raising you ugly humans."

[B] "Hey, isn't that Rosie O'Donnel?" (grabs rifle from General Ursus) "Try to take away my god given second amendment rights will you. Take that you tree hugging hippie bit..."

[ZI] "...BoBo, watch you're language. This is a family show".

[Bobo shoots Rosie O'Donnel dead. Audience cheers as Ursus takes back his rifle and Dr. Zira scolds the bad human. The train is seen to disappear into the distance.]

*****

[Some random footage of the large magnets erasing a hard drive in the train's particle accelerator car that will turn out to be forshadowing later]

*****

[Day 12] [Fade into the train's dining room. Tastefully furnished with dark hardwoods, brass fittings, and crushed velvet. A painting of dogs playing poker hangs over a fireplace containing a large fire (one of the dogs is obviously cheating). A desert landscape is seen to pass by through open windows. John Spimsockets and Joan of Arc are enjoying a fine dinner and worrying about their current predicament]

[from a TV] "...Try all of Soylent's delicious flavors: Soylent red, Soylent yellow, and new, delicious, Soylent green. Made from the finest undersea growth."

[JA] "Turn that damn thing off."

[Extra in a shiny red jumpsuit turns off the TV, and suddenly bursts into flame as a warning to the audience lest they think about turing their televisions off]

[ALB] "Ahhh...I love Soylent green. At least I think I love Soylent green. It's either Soylent green or duck. Which one do you shoot?"

[JA] "Duck." [Spimsockets hits head on table while ducking]

[JA] "Are you alright?"

[ALB] "Of course I'm alright! Why, what have you heard?"

[JA] "Drink your apple juice."

*****

[Day 20] [Jar-Jar, now in possession of his stolen data tape, is trying to flee the now doomed Atomik Ark. He is confronted by John Spimsockets in the train's medieval castle car]

[JJ] "Foo', we meet again." (activates light saber) "Last time Meeso was but the sorry SOB. Now *MEESO* be da masser. Meeso pitty you' foo' ass. Meeso be happy to beat up on Youso some more."

[ALB] (activating his light saber) "Only a master of evil Jar-Jar. We'll do this the old navy way. First one to die... loses!"

[Burgess Meredith] "You can't win, Rock. This guy'll kill you to death inside o' three rounds."

[ALB] "Never tell me the odds..."

[Spectacular light saber battle with lots of cool action. It moves through large, open, ventilation spaces and finally into the train's particle accelerator car.

John, using his extendable animatronic arms, grabs the data tape from Jar Jar and tosses it into the magnets. The tape is instantly erased. Spimsockets then proceeds to hack a very surprised Jar-Jar into small pieces.

The camera pans back and we can see the rest of the cast standing around the set cheering. We are then treated to extra scenes of people cheering on Tatoonie, Coruscant, Yavin, Endor, The City of the Munchkins, and Lost Carcosa. Gratuitous boom shot].

[ALB] "My job here is done. Do you know where I can find beaver, bear, and other critters that are worth cash money when skint?"

[JA] "Well, you can start with Jar-Jar there. The gold alone should be worth a small fortune."

*****

[Big Finish]

[The Atomik Ark blows up in a nuclear holocaust, instantly killing everyone on board].

[HA] "Oh my God--it's burst into flames! Oh, the humanity! The burning train is tumbling toward the crowd! The exploding fusion reactor engulfing the onlookers! The screams, oh Lord, the screams! Burning figures are falling from the twisted train! I can hear the shrieking of men trapped beneath the blazing metal! Please, sweet Christ, no!..."

[Fade to Noah and Joan of Arc, who we thought were in the control room when the Train exploded but are now safe on a cliff, far above the burning train in the Chilean desert below.]

[JA] "So, you know where you're headed now?"

[N] "Same place you are, Joan of Arc: Hell, in the end."

[Noah and Joan get on a Shantak, which has been tied to a tree nearby, and fly off into the sunset... Credits roll for three more days].

**********************************

JOH3N O'MEARA'S ENTRY

And Now the exciting conclusion of ATOMIC ARC!!!

Cast:

Noah (N): Rutger Hauer

The President (P): That guy from the Dodge commercials Cleopatra (C): Natasha Kinski (sic)

John Spimsockets (J): Ewan McGregor [affecting a bronx accent] Jar Jar Binks (JJ): CGI

Monkeys (M): Also CGI, actually just clips stolen from Jumanji Brent Suckonthys (B): James Woods

Joan of Arc (JA): Irene Jacob

Joh3n O'Meara (O): Hugh Grant

Cody Weathers (CO): Art Garfunkel

------

OVAL OFFICE. In background there is a war-room like setting with a giant map of Colorado, an icon of an arc (in red) with arrows pointing towards Denver. Suspension of disbelief (SOD) forces us to accept the fact that there just happens to be a river from the continental divide to Denver.

P: Brent, what's the latest word from Colorado?

B: Worse than we thought, Mr. President. I'm afraid our attempts at diverting the river with the Vac-U-Suck brigade have failed. Unless we think of something fast, that boat's making it to denver.

Cut to riverside, the Ark smashes through the remnants of the Suck brigade,

whose attempts at stopping the river's flow with a giant hoover-vac have failed. John Spimsockets is running alongside the Ark.

J: Now if this were some sort of train, some sort of...atomic train, I could do something.

Monkeys appear and begin to throw feces at Spimsockets

M: HEEEK kaaack meep haaaaah! (Translation: Whay are we always either eating bananas or throwing our own fecal matter whenever there's a dman monkey scene?!?)

J: Curse you Noah and your monkey horde. CURSE YOUR HORDE!!!! CURSE!!! HORDE!!!

John runs out of breath and falls into a pile of fresh monkey dung.

Cut to bridge of the Ark. Monkeys everywhere. Monkeys eating bananas, monkeys throwing dung.

N: Finally, my revenge soon to complete.

Finally my anger, my hatred repleat.

With this ark born of atom below my feet.

I shall eat of the cake, and the cake it is sweet.

Monkeys cheer, throw more shit.

OVAL OFFICE

P: Do we have any estimates of the casualty potential?

B: Well sir, we think most of the animals wont make it. The turtles maybe...you know...the shells, sir? That and the elephants, DEFINATELY the

elephants....

P: Dammit Suckonthys, give up on the animals, I'm talking about the citizens of Denver, I'm talking about Americans! I'm talking about Joe Blow and the rest of his hick town, his ugly wife Nancy, and all of their stupid ass potential voting children!

B:.....I just can't see how the rabbits could even hope to survive, being fuzzy and all...Oh, uh, yes the people. Um, yeah, well....they'll all die from the impact and fallout. But you know sir, there is cause for hope. P: How then?

B: Well, I mean, rabbits have been around for centuries...millenia even. Maybe they'll pull through....maybe the turtles will help.

P: (Sighs deeply) We need a miracle.

Suddenly the room fills with spartan-like warriors who draw their swords and hold them to their chests. Tumpeteers enter and play a few resounding notes. SOD forces everyone else in room, including the viewer to think this is normal. Two large eunuchs enter, carrying an ornamental rug which they lay on the floor and begin to unroll. More trumpets, this time with a jazzy tempo. The rug unfurls to reveal Cleopatra who emerges at the feet

of the president clad (redifining the word scantily) in gold and lotus flowers. She kneels at the president's feet.

C: Oh great Caesar. I present you with Egypt's greatest treasure, her queen.

P: Ceasar? Sorry little miss, but there's a crisis on, and my name happens to be Stephen.

C: But by the will of Osiris, and the might of your armies, I've come to you mighty Caesar.

B: Listen chicky, this is the President you're talking to, and there are bunnies at stake....fuzzy bunnies with only a turtle and a prayer keeping them from death, please leave.

C: But I present myself at your feet, waiting to obey your every desire mighty Caesar, willing to fulfill your torrid whims. Are not my nipples as fine as the Nile in June? Are not my eyes as black as scarabs? Are not my abdominal muscles well shaped by the will of Ra himself?

P: Dammit, voters are on the line, and if you haven't heard....I'm gay, so

give up on the whole nipple bit.

C: Curse you Caesar and your bunny loving horde. CURSE YOUR HORDE!!! CURSE!!! HORDE!!!

Cleopatra sulks off, feeling rejected, and attempts to seduce one of the guards who brought her in, mentioning something about how even Anubis wept at the sight of her wonderful ass. Unfortunately, the guard was one of the eunuchs. Enraged, Cleopatra goes on a rampage, smashing everything in sight. Just before being gunned down by the secret service, she presses a giant red button near the map marked "THE FRENCH CONNECTION"

PARIS.

The ground begins to shake violently. The Champs Elyses erputs into flames, and everywhere is heard the sound of sirens. Not good American sirens, mind you, but that sissy two-tone broken record French crap. The Eiffel tower breaks in half, and from its ruins springs forth Joan of Arc, repleat in shimmering chain mail, riding a mighty steed. SOD forces us to forget that Joan was burned at the stake, not buried under the Eiffel tower. As she smells the smoke laiden air, Joan raises her sword and screams

JA: "For God, France, and zat Jerry Lewis person Ah eer so mush about!!!"

Joan rides across France and begins to cross the Atlantic, as she does so, bits of her armor begin to peel off. SOD forces us to accept that Joan's horse can somehow manage to run on water. Carmina Burana plays in the background.

BRIDGE OF ARK:

The monkeys are at it again. You know...the shit bit.

N (now at least a third covered in dung and banana peels):

Ah the lives that swiftly I shall dismember.

Oh the fallout will fall, the sweet hell shall I render. Death to all my foul message, my great ark the sender.

And now full steam ahead, we shall meet destiny, to Denver!

The monkeys go absolutely nuts. One can barely see for all of the flying dung.

John Spimsockets rises from the monkey dung, awaken by the cheering of the orangutang horde. As luck (and plot line) would have it, a speedboat is in the river which John boards and chases the Ark. He manages to leap onto a neaby ledge and sneaks below deck.

J: Hmm...this doesn't look like a train

Out of the shadows steps (or rather stumbles in a fashion sure to get kids to by more toys) Jar Jar.

JJ: Theesa no train. Theesa an Ark. Theesa an Atomic Ark! Okeday?

J: What kinda computer generated racial stereotypical nerf wit are you? JJ: Meesa no stereotype. Meesa Jar Jar. Meesa fun loving character from fantasy world. Meesa excuse not to do good puppet. Meesa CGI.

J: Like the monkeys.

JJ: Yousa right. Noa useah the atomic Ark to make meesa and the monkeys. J: Well, the monkeys I can understand, I mean, they throw a good batch of shit, but what the hell are you for?

JJ: Product placement and the 8-14 age brackets, okeday? Curse yousa NBC and yousa product placement horde. CURSE YOUSA HORDE!! CURSE!! HORDE!! OKEDAY!!

(and you thought the reoccurring 'goo' theme in Jarbus Forquim was bad)

Cut to scene of Joan. As she beaches on the east coast, most of her armor is gone, her horse covered in sea weed. She continues to ride westward, pausing to slaughter an overzealous customs agent who had the gaul (pun intended) to ask her if she had anything to declare.

JA: Mon Dieu, hopefully I am not in missing uf zis glorious battle neer

ze mountains du Rocky. Oh how ze salt water is chafing my cheeks du ass. Zis plate mail looks good though, non?

She rides, more stuff falls off. Orff gets louder.

Cut to Cody Weather's basement. Cody is attempting for the 23rd time to explain to Joh3n O'Meara how the rhythm structure to "Cipher" goes.

CO: Look O, it's simple...just watch the hands and do the counting.

Cody starts moving his hands back and forth establishing a simple tempo that even a shit throwing monkey could understand.

CO: ...One, two, then breathe...THEN the line. O: I wanna cigarette.

CO: Look...let's finish Cipher, then you can have a cigrrette and whine about English women.

Joh3n starts flailing his arms about with a complete lack of rhythm.

CO: If only he HAD suggested air-hockey. Steaming hot cup of IDIOT Joe if you ask me.

BACK TO ARK

John and Jar Jar have reached the nuclear power generator for the Ark. Lots of pipes going everywhere, and the traditional green glow.

JJ: Weesa not supposed to be here. Theesa sacred place. Theesa monkey place.

The sound of yet another volley of monkey shit being tossed and hitting the floor resonates throught the ship.

J: Oh do shut up. Now what would I do if this was a train? JJ: Why yousa keep talking train? Theesa Ark.

J: Shut the hell up! I mean if this were a train, I could save my estranged wife, watch her boyfriend die, and get back in touch with my kids four an uplifting final scene, but this?!?

JJ: Okeday....meesa go step in monkey poosa for comic relief.

J: Do that. What the hell am I doing here? Fucking president and his suck brigade.

John paces around, and then randomly starts throwing switches. In turn, he

gets to the one marked "Poetry induced monkey agitation" Bells bing, sparks fly, all that tension shit.

Cut to bridge of Ark

N: Oh how the victory, soon to be mine.

Oh how the bells of death, soon they will chime. Oh, but my death will be sublime.

Cause the monkeys are angry, and I speak in rhyme.

With these words, the monkeys go, for lack of a better phrase, ape-shit, and proceed to rip Noah to shreds. Without the captain, the ship veers off course, leaves the river and begins grinding across land somewhere near

Floyd Avenue.

Cut to Cody's Basement

CO: For god's sake man, it's just a simple song in 17/3 time...are you doing the hand thing?

O: But really, I just don't understand....I mean she talked to me first, that's gotta be worth something. You know, she's changed hats recently.

CO: Curse you and your whining lack of tempo horde. CURSE YOUR HORDE!! CURSE!! HORDE!!

Cody hears a rumbling outside and goes to see what it is

O: I wonder what the hat thing is all about. Is it because I stopped wearing my hat? Maybe she does like me, and this is her way of saying so. Yippee!

BACK TO ARK

Spimsockets, realizing the ark is on a direct crash course for a house leaps from the ark. Jar Jar leaps also. The monkeys, completely out of dung to trow begin throwing each other. At this point the special effects budget begins to run dry, and for no reason they disappear, and are replaced by rabbits. SOD forces us to accept that this is logical, and at least Brent Suckonthys will be happy.

Spimsockets runs in front of the oncoming boat. As he does, Jar Jar jumps on to him, babbling something about "Theesa, meesa, yousa, and okeday?" Spimsockets throws Jar Jar to the ground where he is summarily run over by the ark. (writers note: this is to be envisioned in slow motion you you can derive the ultimate amount of satisfation from Jar Jar's excruciating death, and the real way Lucas should have had it happen in Star Wars)

The Ark, impeded by the impact of CGI on wood comes to a halt in Cody's front yard.

CO: Well shit on a stick.

J: I have to use your phone and call the president.

Spimsockets calls the president to inform him that the ark has been stopped, and mentions the bunnies. The giddy school-like screams of Suckonthys's joy can be heard in the background.

As the camera begins to pan out on Cody's house we see Joan of Arc arrive at her destination, hot, sweaty, late. She's now completely naked.

CO: Hellooo Godiva!

Joh3n comes outside

O: Oh...I GET it now. One, two, then breath, THEN the line.

He looks at Joan of Arc

O: Uh....um...how bout some air hockey?

JA: Merde.

Joan rides of into the sunset as Edith Piaf plays in the background, as the camera pans towards the sun, the last ray of sunlight graces one truly wonderful, albeit chafed, ass.

FIN