Vampires: They Come From Space

a personal documentary by Cody Weathers

Shooting Draft 5/20/00

Frumples Pictures

PERSONAE DRAMATIS:

CODY WEATHERS

INTERVIEWER

LITTLE TIMMY/VAMPIRE TIMMY

CAPTAIN VLADIMIR, a Space Vampire

THE SUPREME DALEK

INTERIOR Apartment, Day. CODY WEATHERS speaks to an off-camera INTERVIEWER.

CODY:

It's hard to think of vampires without remembering the day my father took me up into the mountains --ostensibly to train our new dog-- but actually, in reality, he told me all about sex.

Footage of TACOMA ASTEROID

INTERVIEWER (v.o.):

What happened to the dog?

CODY (v.o.):

Oh. We let that dog go when we were talking.

CUT BACK to apartment.

INTERVIEWER:

How did it survive?

CODY:

Oh, it had been eating rats. I'm sure it's fine.

Footage of crashed UFO burning through the trees intercut with LITTLE TIMMY, a young boy mayhap in the wrong place at the wrong time, looking at the wreckage. SPACE VAMPIRES begin to filter out into the surrounding woods like moths from a jar.

CODY (v.o.):

Well, he took me up to this campsite, and the aspen were turning. We were up at about 6500 feet and it was just this giant beautiful splash of gold. And then, in the bathroom, someone had drawn this picture. And we stood there, and I looked at the picture and --it was hard to tell what was going on.

INTERVIEWER (v.o.):

In the picture?

CODY (v.o):

Yeah. They weren't very good.... whoever drew it wasn't very good. It was in black marker on the wood of one of the stalls, and the grain kind of made it crooked.

INTERVIEWER (v.o.):

What was it of?

CUT BACK to apartment

CODY:

Sex.

INTERVIEWER:

What specifically?

CODY:

Well there was writing. It said, "I love to suck big hairy dicks and fuck your wife while you watch." That's what it was of.

CUT TO footage of the VAMPIRES spotting TIMMY, who --dumbfounded-- allows them to approach and ultimately bite his neck

CUT BACK to apartment

INTERVIEWER:

So what did your father say?

CODY:

He waited until I finished reading, then when I turned and looked at him, he said, "Well, that's how babies are made --let's go."

INTERVIEWER:

Then you left?

CODY:

Then we left.

INTERVIEWER:

And the dog?

CODY:

We let him go. But like I said, he had been eating rats. I'm sure he's fine.

INTERVIEWER:

How old were you then?

CODY:

I was seventeen.

INTERIOR, Conference Room. CAPTAIN VLADIMIR hands out packets to THE SUPREME DALEK and TIM, a new SPACE VAMPIRE.

VLADIMIR:

I've called this meeting to discuss several open issues in our continuing efforts to conquer the Earth and subjugate its peoples to our superior Space Wills. First item on the agenda is the issue....

SUPREME DALEK:

I AM NOT Y2K COMPLIANT!

VLADIMIR:

OK. Maybe we can get into that a little later. But actually, I've really planned out what I think is the best order to address these issues in. If you'll refer to your agenda, you'll see that right nowthere is no item for addressing Dalek upgrades. However, you see that item 18 is "Proposals for Items on Next Week's Agenda."

TIM:

(raising hand sharply) I would like to know who is catering this meeting.

VLADIMIR:

OK. Let's not go there just yet. I've put together some org charts which....

SUPREME DALEK:

I AM THE SUPREME DALEK!

TIM:

Oh, where is that on the org chart?

CUT TO apartment

INTERVIEWER:

Tell me about your first time.

CODY:

It was a really hot day. I was going to college in Oregon at the time....

INTERVIEWER:

Didn't you go to school with Monica Lewinsky?

CODY:

Yeah, but I don't think she's a vampire or anything.

CUT BACK to conference room.

SUPREME DALEK:

THE SUPREME DALEK REQUIRES A HUMVEE!

VLADIMIR:

Listen, I appreciate how everyone is being proactive, but let's try to focus on our objectives. We really need to hit this one out of the park.

TIM:

Is that a metaphor?

VLADIMIR:

Yes. Anyway. As you can see from this flowchart, Phase1 of our plan is to move from a competitor relationship to a partner relationship with the Daleks.

TIM:

What about an African lion?

VLADIMIR:

What about it?

TIM:

Is that a metaphor?

CUT BACK to apartment

CODY:

It had been very hot that summer in Oregon, and there was actually a water shortage when I arrived, which was wierd. You figure Portland rains like nine months of the year.

INTERVIEWER:

That's how long it takes for a baby to be born.

CODY:

[Quizzical look]

CUT TO conference room

VLADIMIR:

Listen. I'd really like to get through some of these bullets.

TIM:

What about a monkey wrench?

VLADIMIR:

OK Tim, you're new to the team, and I would really like for you to just act in an observer role today. OK?

TIM:

Is that a metaphor?

VLADIMIR:

No, that's an order.

TIM:

(to Supreme Dalek) What's the fourth thing in a metaphor?

SUPREME DALEK:

DO NOT ASK ME! I AM A METAPHOR FOR VIRGINITY!

CUT TO apartment

CODY:

It was really hot, so I put all these ice cubes down my pants. Have you ever done that?

INTERVIEWER:

No.

CODY:

Well, you should try it because WHOOOOO! You could run a flag up me! So I've got this giant cold boner, and I figured I'd better get over to the women's dorm right away!

CUT TO PHIL, with NIKON CAMERA

PHIL:

Hm. Take off your pants and look into the lens.

CUT TO Conference Room

TIM:

I mean, what is rugulah all about? Is that from an animal?

CUT TO apartment

CODY:

So I'm walking around with my pants around my ankles because --you know-- I don't want to leave my pants somewhere and not be able to find them later.

CUT TO Conference Room

SUPREME DALEK:

JEAN GENIE! LIVES ON HIS BACK! JEAN GENIE! THE DALEKS WILL TAKE THE EARTH TO ROCK SCHOOL!

CUT TO apartment

CODY:

And so I just started walking up to girls --well, I had to kind of waddle after a couple of them. They seemed to be in too much of a hurry to notice my little meat locker.

CUT TO Conference Room

VLADIMIR:

No! No!

TIM:

A fireman?

VLADIMIR:

No! You don't even know what a metaphor is!

TIM:

A paramedic, then?

SUPREME DALEK:

EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!

CUT TO apartment

CODY:

And I would just put their hands there and say, "Feel that? Ice cubes did this to my dick."

CUT TO Conference Room

VLADIMIR:

Where's the off switch?

SUPREME DALEK:

YOU CANNOT TURN OFF THE SUPREME DALEK! BEWARE THE DEADLY PLUNGER KILLING DEVICE!

CUT TO the little GREEN COTTAGE. BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER and her husband, ANGEL THE VAMPIRE are holding hands and enjoying a perfect day.

BUFFY:

Oh, Angel. You're the only vampire I could ever love and not slay.

ANGEL:

I love you Buffy. I love curling up on a rainy afternoon and drinking your sweet blood.

ENTER a VAMPIRE

VAMPIRE:

I am a vampire.

BUFFY:

You are slain.

VAMPIRE:

Oh, woe.

EXIT VAMPIRE

ANGEL:

It just goes to show: you never know who's a vampire.

BUFFY:

I love to suck big hairy dicks.

ANGEL:

Me too, pumpkin.

BUFFY:

Let's make a baby.

ANGEL:

OK, pumpkin.

They RUB NOSES.

CUT TO Conference Room. SUPREME DALEK chases VLADIMIR around the conference table. TIM lags behind. Vladimir is seemingly slain, but rises with Bela Lugosiesques cape move. Vladimir and Tim topple the Supreme Dalek, who bursts into flames. However, the piercing rays of the overhead projector evaporate away the hapless vampires.

CODY (v.o.):

Well, after about an hour, I needed some more ice. So I went into one of the kitchens there and I took out one of the ice trays and I --you know-- started moving it around.... Well then this girl came in --I guess it was just serendipity. Because she was hot too! So we gathered up all of the ice and also a gallon of Ben & Jerry's and went back to her room and --Hoo! It was a little wierd --sometimes it seemed like we were two seals fucking a brick. But that was my first time.

CUT TO apartment.

INTERVIEWER:

Is there anything else you want people to know about you?

CODY:

(addressing camera) I'm Cody Weathers, and I am a bisexual vampire.

FIN