Haiku 1998

Cody: Interesting computer haikus. Naturally, fitting the compu-geek stereotype, the "rules" of haiku have been followed fanatically. But few capture the "mu" of haiku:

A temp types away

Chain letters, collecting wage

The cooling fan spins

John Speranza


 

Thanks for the computer haiku that you sent the other day. I'm planning to use a few of them in my classes as proof that all American children are made to write them at some time during elementary school.

The kids get a kick out of things like that.

As to the artistic merit of the works you sent me, I thought they were technically accurate, but almost entirely devoid of the seasonal element that is a requirement for true Haiku. I wonder why they never taught us that aspect in 4th grade English class... My friends and I always ended up with haikus like:

Brian humps puppies.

Today's lunch is pork patties.

I hate English class.

Come to think of it, haiku class was always the easiest class of the school year. All of this reminiscing makes me long for the days when "hump" was one of those words we used about 50 times a day. When did "hump" go out of style?

John Fried


I think Fried comes close, but Speranza, you still win the haiku contest. I guess that my entries weren't really my own, and normally I would be disqualified, but this is my consolation a-mual American bastard haiku:

The Grinch stole my toys

Santa touched my Who-winkie

You call that roast beast?

And one that is perhaps more "seasonal" just for you, Mr. "OO, look at me, I teach ENGLISH in JAPAN and your haikus are WRONG!"

Bees on my bottom

Stinging my tender scrotum

Love in the springtime

Cody Weathers


Haiku 2000

Battlefield Earth it seems

Is a steaming pile of doo

Bad, Travolta, Bad

Gary Gunter

I'm so bad at haiku

Always just one syllable off

In the springtime

First real sunny day

Must look like I'm working hard

Thank God for Cody

What ever happened

To three months off for summer

And Phil Donahue?

Michal Broadbent

The space prostitute

A giant bed of lasers

My penis in flames

Is Flame Cow a clone?

Or is he the Everyman?

I fucked Gringor Stynx

Today at my school

The teacher fell on his head

Our class ate the brains

Are you my real mom?

I sizzled my small weiner

Where is my diaper?

Elian, my son

The government has found you

I told them "Use guns!"

This rabbit is sour

And disobedient, too

Bring me another

Imaginary

Friends have betrayed my true vice

My mouth full of moths

The Man is my friend

He crushes my enemies

His name is John Fried

I once loved a girl

Oh wait, I think that was you

And you're just a lamp

Flip Nasty, a band

That nobody notices

Is making that noise

My name is a song

"Cody Weathers, I love you"

You don't like that song

While crossing the street

A naked woman grabbed me

That's why I'm so late

"This chili is sour"

"What chili? That's not chili."

"Where can I throw up?"

I turned 26

A talking tree knocked me down

My dog is a cop

Cody Weathers